A Fangirl in Love

What Nix Didn't Know Part 1

HE

He was standing in front of a mirror. He couldn't believe what he's seeing. After everything that happened in the past 3 years, he was blessed with another chance to a happy ever after ride. Just when he thought he'd lose the most important girl in his life, fate proved him wrong. Now, he's looking at a very happy man. He's looking straight into his eyes and he knew he couldn't be any happier, specially when he's finally with her. He fought for this. He wanted this so badly. He would die for this. Gladly he didnt have to.

He didnt know when and where it started. He had no idea how. He's seen her around for years. He would even see her on events and shows they were both part of. But they never talked. There was no need to talk. Until Veronique introduced them in a party hosted by Viva. She looked genuinely pleased to meet him, to talk to him. She was even nervous when they shook hands. She mused on stuff she knew about him - his songs, his magazine interviews, his concerts and shows. She was very nice and down to earth. Two of the first things any nomal human being would describe her with. She was very young back then, very beautiful and seemingly old fashioned. But that was it. There was absolutely nothing there. No sparks, no electricity, no bells ringing, nothing that would make him want to see her again. Well, not that he could see her again.

That was in 2007. She was barely twenty years old, while he was in his early thirties. He's sure she knew nothing about his life, his marriage, his family. And he knew much lesser of her. He hardly watched TV. But he would read news about her on the papers. His manager would talk fondly of her. But still there was nothing special, then. He had someone else. She probably had someone too. He was happy, content. He thought that was it. Everything was going smoothly - his career and his namesake band; his marriage and the rest of his personal life. He couldn't ask for more. There was nothing that would convince him to believe his marriage would soon crumble, that he'd be in such a mess and would survive later on, that he'd fall in love again, that it would be with this girl, that he'd marry her, that he'd be sharing the same bed with her, for real, for keeps.

SHE

She's facing the other direction. His head pressed against her nape, his whole body pressed against her back. Naririnig niya, nararamdaman ang paghinga ng asawa. Nakayakap ito sa kanya. Mahigpit. Even in his unconsciousness, he'd hold her. He wont let go. Gustong gusto niya ang pakiramdam, na hawak hawak siya ng pinakamamahal niyang lalake sa mundo, na mahal na mahal siya nito. Ni sa hinagap hindi niya naisip na sa ganito silang estado mapupunta. Hindi niya naisip na magmamahal siya ng ganito, na susuway siya sa gusto ng mga magulang, na lalaban siya.

Akala niya, simple lang ang pag-ibig. Mahal mo, mahal ka. Tapos na. Ganon lang. Akala niya, kapag nagmahal siya ng totoo, susuklian din siya ng totoo, hindi siya makakayanang saktan. Pero nagkamali siya. Hindi lang isang beses siyang nasaktan dahil hindi naging totoo sa kanya ang lalakeng minahal niya. Pareho halos ng istorya. Naubusan sila ng pasensiya. Napagod maghintay. At ang masakit doon, hindi siya nasabihan na maghahanap na pala ng iba. Naiwan siya sa ere. Siya ang huling nakaalam. Masakit. Nakakapagod. Nakakaubos ng tiwala sa sarili. Ganon din ng tiwala para sa mga lalake. But she didn't give up on love. She never lost hope. She just learned to be more cautious. She learned how to choose, how to wait, or so she thought.

She met someone. He was nothing but amazing to her. Alam niya sa puso niya na minahal niya din ang lalakeng yon. Pero habang tumatagal, hindi niya maintindindihan kung bakit hindi pa din siya masaya. Eto na, mahal na mahal siya; mahal din naman niya. Nasa kanya na ang lahat - educated, guwapo, matipuno, around her age, galing sa magandang pamilya, may kaya sa buhay, artist at mahilig sa music na katulad niya, mabait, tapat, at katangap-tanggap ng mga magulang niya - pero hindi siya lubusang masaya. Hindi buo ang pakiramdam niya. She didnt see herself spending the rest of her life with him. She couldn't imagine giving herself to him. But she didnt say anything. She kept trying. She remained hopeful that maybe, through time, her thoughts would change. But they didn't. Natakot siyang makasakit, dahil alam niya kung paano magmahal at masaktan. Alam niya ang pakiramdam ng maiwanan. Kaya lang, habang pinapatagal niya pa, mas lalo lang sila parehong nahirapan. The more she suppressed her real feelings, the more she felt she was hurting him.