Moving On [SwaggerSouls]

/Chapter Nine/ Let's Talk

"So, I'm assuming it was the girl who put the stick up your ass?" Ryan questioned as he motioned for me to sit in front of him.

Complying to his wishes, I took my seat across from him at his desk in his room, which was glowing brightly from the morning sun.

This should've been a very calming environment, I mean, I could feel myself getting hotter by the second due to the sun's glare. However, anxiety was eating me up due to what inevitably was to come, and the only glare I could truly feel was coming from my manager.

"Yeah. Look, man, I'm sorry about that okay? It was totally uncalled for and I really didn't mean to take my frustrations out on you. It's just I was already kinda struggling with something and when you called I instantly realized that I skipped out on the podcast with you guys and kinda just snapped under pressure. I know it's not an excuse b-"

He put his hand up to cut me off, "It wasn't, and don't let it happen again, but dude? What's with you? Who are you and what'd you do with Eric?"

"Huh?" I asked as I felt my heart begin to speed up.

"I'm used to the cool, calm, and collected Eric. Not that you're that way 24/7," He paused to chuckle and motioned to his monitor screen which displayed my channel, "I mean just look at your videos," Before turning back to me, "But I've just never seen you act out-out of emotion before in front of us. We've been living together for months now and I've never seen this side of you at all."

I just shrugged, a little taken aback by his immense interest in my personal life.

I mean, I lived with him, we talked about our personal lives to a certain extent and we all cared about each other, but typically we would just keep it light. There was no reason to dive into the deep shit unless something was terribly, terribly, wrong.

At the end of the day, what's the point in getting all deep and emotional when you could just be having both harmless, pointless, fun with the people you call family?

"It's not a side of me that normally comes out. I don't usually get all that emotional, unless I'm pretty drunk or high obviously," I rolled my eyes at the last part, "Other than that I don't really have a reason to. I love it here. We keep shit real, yet light. So there's nothing really to act out of pure emotion on, it's just fun."

Ryan leaned into the desk, clearly wanting to get something out of me.

"What happened last night, Eric? I know I can come off as a dick with all the managing shit, but it's my job. I have to be on your ass when you don't show up for the podcast, especially when we're already short on hosts." He sighed, "We might lose a ton of views over it, which sucks, but I'm more concerned with you. Something's clearly wrong, and I just want you to know that if you need to talk about it, I'm here for you."

"Are you gonna fire me?" I blurted.

"The fuck? No." He looked at me like I'd just grown another head, "Is that why you think I called you in here?"

"Honestly, yeah. I mean, you're my manager. And I pretty much just bit your head off over the phone. I was mentally preparing myself for you to send me back to America to live with my dad again." I tipped my head to the side as that was the first time I'd allowed my mind to wander back to him in what felt like a long while, "Not that that'd be the worst thing. I miss that guy." But then I remembered something else, "But he probably doesn't miss hearing his son scream at a monitor in his basement for the entirety of the evening."

Ryan laughed, "Yeah, I'm sure he doesn't either. So, I'm gonna keep you here for a while longer. You know, for the sake of your poor dad." He rolled his eyes as he continued, "Also you're one of the more popular guys in our little group so... I kinda have no choice but to keep you here for as long as I can."

I smiled up at him as he looked at me in the eyes, "But Eric? Keep in mind that you moved away from everyone you knew and loved in order to take this job. Not that it doesn't likely weigh heavily on your mind each and every day, it's just that you never, ever talk about it."

My anxiety completely faded due to the realization that I was here to stay, but was replaced with something I'd tried so hard to push to the back of my mind each and every day: Emptiness.

I lived in a house full of screaming men who made money off of their dream jobs. Who was I to complain? But, apparently, success and achieving your dreams came with a price. And the sacrifice I made was my home along with everything I ever knew.

It hurt each and every day, thinking about all of the people I left behind. Hell, I didn't even get to see my parents for Thanksgiving, I'd celebrated it with the guys here in Melbourne. Which was super enjoyable, don't get me wrong. It just wasn't the same as when I used to celebrate with my parents and sister back home.

God, I miss them so much.

But, at the end of the day, I was still living the dream. On top of that, the people who I worked with were now my family as well. Which is a complete blessing. I love each and every one of these guys with everything in me no matter how much I tease and criticize them because without them I wouldn't be who I am today. We had each other's backs, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

"I try not to," I said, shrugging, "I don't see a point to dampening the mood with my personal problems. We're all already stressed enough with our own shit, so I don't want to make things anymore trying than they already are. It's just like: 'Am I choosing to talk about this because I feel as if this person will actually help me?' or 'Am I just talking about this to talk about it?'. Talking about it won't change anything. I chose to move here, and I'm happy with the choice I made. That's all there really is to it."

"Look, I know I'm your manager, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you." He looked at me with sympathy in his eyes, "As I said, I'm inevitably usually going to come off as a dick most of the time because of my position, but it doesn't represent me as a person in the slightest. I love each and every one of you. You're all family to me. And what I'm trying to tell you here is that if you wanna talk about it, day or night, I'm here to listen anytime."

I smiled. And to my surprise, begin to feel my throat close up a bit due to the sudden burst of emotion I felt, "Thank you, that really means a lot to hear."

"Of course." He punched me in the shoulder, "Love you man, I'm glad we had this discussion."

I continued to smile, "Me too. I'm just realizing how much I needed it."

"Now, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Who the fuck is the notorious girl who made ol' Swagger snap in less than a day?"

————————END OF CHAPTER NINE———————

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