In My Life(BVB, Palaye Royale)

{15} - Vulnerable

Bethany lay in her bunk. She was fighting off sleep. She knew she would dream. She didn't want to. She wished she had a cigarette. Eventually exhaustion won out and against her wishes her eyes slipped shut and she drifted off.

+flashback/nightmare+
"What are you doing here?" David asked. He was angry. Bethany didn't know why. He looked about thirteen which would've made her four. She didn't remember this.
"Can't I come home?"
"This isn't your home anymore!" David's voice rose.
"I pay the bills, don't I?"
"I don't know? Do you? Because last I checked we don't have running water or electricity anymore!" She was confused. David had told her not to come into the kitchen.
"Where's Beth? I want to see her."
"No."
"Excuse me?"
"You can't see her."
"You can't tell me not to see my daughter! Now where is she?" Silence followed. Then the sound of someone being slapped. "Where is she?" Still nothing. There was a crash and the door flew open. Bethany backed up and looked up at her dad with wide eyes.
"There you are, Beth. How's my little girl?" He crouched in front of her. He smelled strongly of alcohol and it made Bethany sick. "Answer me." He grabbed her arm.
"H-hurts, Daddy." She whimpered. This was something new. She didn't remember this at all. She looked around her dad and saw David lying on the floor. "Jellyfish?" She called and tried to pull away from her dad. He tightened his grip on her arm. "Daddy, what's wrong with him?"
"He's fine." Her dad stood and picked her up. She looked over his shoulder and saw blood on the kitchen floor.
"He's bleeding!" She struggled in his grip. What was going on? This was different.
"He's fine. I promise."
"B-"
"Shh. I'm going to show you something." He carries her down the hall. This felt a bit familiar. He took her into the bedroom and laid her on the bed before he began undressing her.  This wasn't right. Did this happen? She tried to get away from him, but he held her down and continued pulling her clothes off. She started to cry.
"No!" She screamed and tried to kick him.
"Peanut! Wake up, please!" Where was that coming from?
"Stop! It hurts!"
"Peanut!"
"Please!"
"Bethany! Please! Wake up!"
"Hurts!"
+end of flashback/nightmare+

"Peanut!" She shot up and rammed her head into the top of her bunk. She gasped at the pain and grabbed at her head. She grasped at the fading fragments of her dream. All she could remember was pain. And David bleeding on the kitchen floor. Andy wrapped her in a hug and she sobbed into his chest. Her head hurt and her eyes burned. She couldn't breathe.
"Can't-can't breathe." Andy couldn't understand her through her crying.
"What?"
"Can't-cigarette. Please." The only word he got was please.
"Please, what Peanut?" She inhaled deeply and coughed.
"Cigarette."
"I don't have one. I-" He started yelling at the others and she tried to breathe. She closed her eyes briefly and then opened them again. Blood. Screaming. Pain. She couldn't remember her dream anymore. Just bits and pieces. "Hey, hey, look at me. Deep breath." Andy grabbed her face and made her look at him. Her eyes flicked from one thing to the next. If she didn't calm down soon she was going to pass out. The door opened and Emerson came onto the bus.
"Cigarette." He said and offered it to Andy. Bethany saw it and took it with a shaking hand. Andy was handed a lighter and lit the cigarette for her. She inhaled and closed her eyes. Silence filled the bus. Nobody spoke, nobody moved. She let out a shaky breath and took another drag on the cigarette. The nicotine helped calm her down significantly. She was still crying. The door burst open and Remington came stumbling in, walking directly into Emerson. He was out of breath and shirtless. Not ten seconds after he came in did the door open again and Sebastian came in and walked into Remington, knocking him off balance. He grabbed Emerson to keep from falling, which sent both of them to the ground. Bethany smiled softly. Grateful for the distraction. So many people cared about her.
"Are you okay?" Remington and Sebastian asked at the same time as Sebastian hauled Remington up off of Emerson. Bethany wasn't sure if she was okay. In fact she was sure she wasn't. She shook her head and took another drag on the cigarette. She closed her eyes, missing the concerned looks shared between her brother and his band mates and Palaye Royale. Despite how hard she tried, she began to cry again.

———

Andy had seen a lot, he'd seen her have many breakdowns, but this, this, was something different. He didn't understand. She'd been doing so good. He felt like he'd failed as her brother. He looked at her, sitting in her bunk, crying, shaking, bags under her eyes and a cigarette in her hand, and he realized he didn't know her like he used too. This girl was someone else, someone he didn't know. And it hurt. She brought the cigarette to her lips with a shaking hand and inhaled. What was she hiding from him? What was going on in her head that she hadn't shared with him?
"Peanut?" He asked, softly. She looked up at him, face red from crying. "What happened?"
"I'm so tired." She whispered. "I just want to sleep, but I can't." She blew out a cloud of smoke. "I just want it to stop." She wiped at her face with her sleeve.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She shrugged. She hated that she'd made Andy upset. He looked like he might cry. She didn't like to burden people. She was enough of a problem as it was.
"I need-I need to get out." She mumbled. She dropped out of her bunk and pushed past everyone. She walked outside and inhaled deeply before taking another drag of her cigarette.
   On the bus, the men looked at each other, unsure what to do. She obviously wanted space, but at the same time she shouldn't be alone. Remington glared at Andy and Andy glared back. Though he didn't know for sure, Remington thought this was Andy's fault. He knew a bit of what Bethany was going through, enough to know that she was stressed out and it was most likely from her fight with Andy.
"I don't-" But Remington didn't wait for him to finish before he walked off the bus. Andy watched through the window as Remington walked up to Bethany and wrapped her in a hug. He got mad. That should've been him out there comforting her. She was his sister. And then he realized that this was his fault. He'd messed with her friends and they'd had a fight and now she was stressed out and tired. He dropped onto the couch and tugged at his hair. No one knew what to do.

———

Outside Remington took the butt of the cigarette from Bethany and crushed it out. He wrapped her in a hug and she cried into his chest.
"It's okay, B." He said as he rubbed her back.
"I haven't slept in two months." She mumbled.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." He assured her. She nodded against his chest. She closed her eyes, letting herself get lost in the smells of cigarettes, hairspray and what she assumed was his shampoo.
"I think I need to get away for a little bit." She finally said. She pulled back a bit and rubbed her eyes.
"If you think that's the best thing, then do it B."  She nodded and wrapped her arms around herself. They stood in silence for a few minutes before she took a deep breath, wiped her face with the backs of her hands and walked back into the bus. Emerson, Remington and Sebastian left. It was late, they needed sleep and Andy and Bethany needed space. Jake, Jinxx, Ashley and CC went to the back of the bus so Andy and Bethany could talk.
"I'm sorry." Andy spoke softly and wouldn't look at Bethany.
"'S not your fault." Bethany mumbled. "I'm just too tired to function."
"I shouldn't have messed with your friends. I shouldn't have yelled at you."
"'S okay." She yawned.
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Since finals. I don't smoke often. And usually I use clove ones, but sometimes. . ." He nodded. He understood. Sometimes cloves didn't cut it. "I need to get away from everything for a little bit." She said after a brief silence. Andy finally looked at her. His eyes were red. "Not because of you. Or even because of our fight. I just-I need to be alone. I need to relax and sort through everything that's going on in my head. And I can't do that here."
"Okay."
"I'm not going right now. It's too late, but I plan to get a hotel room tomorrow night." She wrapped her arms around Andy and rested her head on his shoulder. "It's not your fault, Panda. I promise." He didn't believe her.