In My Life(BVB, Palaye Royale)

{16} - Recuperating Artist Seeks Forgiveness

Early the next evening Bethany went to her hotel room. She took a bath for the first time in months. It was wonderful and she felt very relaxed when she finally decided to get out. Dressed in her pajamas she sat crosslegged in the middle of the bed and listened to the Beatles. She sang along and ate ice cream. She played with her kinetic sand and she drew. This was helping. At least somewhat. When she finished her ice cream she sat and stared at her phone, fighting an internal battle. Finally she hit the contact and waited while it rang.
"Dr. Everett's phone."
"Hi, Dr. Everett. It's Bethany Harris."
"Oh, hi. It's been awhile." The sound of drawers opening and closing could be heard through the phone, "What prompted this call?" Bethany sighed and laid back.
"Sleep deprivation and anxiety."
"When did it start?"
"I guess it started when finals did. The stress sort of got out of control for about three days and I started smoking real cigarettes to cope. And then when finals were over I thought I would be okay, but my boyfriend dumped me and then I found out he'd actually been dating my supposed best friend two years longer than he and I had been dating. Then added on top of that was moving and then going on tour with my brother and things just keep getting worse. And I haven't slept, like really slept, in two months and I'm too tired to function anymore. And I've been having episodes more often. And I had a huge fight with my brother two days ago which hasn't helped anything. So now I'm hiding in a hotel room so I don't have to pretend I'm okay." Dr. Everett could tell breathing was becoming a struggle for Bethany.
"Okay, take a deep breath. Don't make yourself pass out. Let's start at the beginning. The exboyfriend."
"Ass. Stupid fucking ass! I hate him. And I knew we were gonna break up. He'd been talking for months about going to Colorado for college, but it hurt. He told me-he told I'm boring and weird and too opinionated. Then he told me the only reason he stayed with as long as he did was because I was a good fuck! It shouldn't hurt. But it does. And I don't like it. I just want it to go away." She was crying now.
"It's okay for it to hurt. He was important to you."
"I don't want it to hurt. I want it to go away."
"Dwelling on it won't make it go away. This is one of those things we talked about that you need to accept and let go of."
It's been h-harder than I thought it would be."
"I know. I know it is. Break ups are never fun. Now you said you moved?"
"Yeah. To LA. With Panda. I guess when I first got to LA things were okay. For the most part. I had so much to distract me."
"And tour?"
"I'm on Warped Tour right now."
"Ah. Of course. Your brother's band. That must be fun."
"It is, but I feel like I'm just a huge burden to everyone."
"Did they say that?"
"Well, no." She rolled onto her side and wiped at her eyes, "but-"
"They don't think of you as a burden. They love you. And they want you there. They understand more than you think. Communication is important in any and every relationship. You have to talk to them. Don't just make assumptions."
"I know. I'm just tired and overthinking things."
"Tell me about the fight with your brother."
"It was so stupid." She sighed and rubbed her face. "A lot of my friends are guys. I don't know why they just are. And apparently they all want to fuck me or at least that's what Panda thinks and it pissed him off so he told Remington to stay away from me. And I yelled at him."
"Remington?"
"No Andy."
"Right. Of course. Please continue."
"I told him he wasn't my real brother and that I didn't need him to look out for me. And none of that's true. And he yelled at me. And that made me mad." She was crying again. Stupid hormones and emotions.
"Have you made up with Andy?"
"Yeah."
"Then, sweetie, you're worrying about nothing."
"He doesn't know how bad it is. I should tell him."
"You should. Keeping this to yourself isn't healthy. You have to let people know when you're hurting. They aren't mind readers." Dr. Everett paused for a second, "Now lets stop focusing on the bad stuff. There must be some good things in your life right now."
"I've been spending time with some friends I don't see often and I made some knew friends."
"Tell me about them." So Bethany rambled on for a little better than an hour about all her friends and all the things she'd gotten up too since tour started.
"There are innumerable people in your life who care about you and want to help you."
"I'm not fit to be around if I can't sleep. I'm irritable and cranky. But I-I can't sleep without dreaming."
"What have you been dreaming about?"
"Most times it's the same. The minutes leading up the car accident and the accident itself. But recently there was something else." Bethany sat up as she tried to recall her most recent dream. "I can't-I can't remember it. But I know it was different. My biological dad was there. And David was mad." They talked for another hour. Bethany could barely keep her eyes open.
"You need sleep."
"I told you I can't. Not without dreaming. I haven't slept, like actually slept for more than two hours, in months. I don't know what to do anymore. I tried a sleep aid, but they don't help."
"You know I don't do this for everyone, but you're a special case, so is there a pharmacy near you?"
"Um," she stood and looked out the window to see if she could see a CVS or a Riteaid. "Yeah. There's a CVS just down the road."
"I need an address. I'll call in a prescription for Flurazepam and you can pick it up. Okay?"
"Thank you."
"No problem. You take a few days and call me back to let me know what's going on. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Real quick, before I let you go, what coping mechanisms are you using? It's been a while, so I'm just curious."
"When I'm at home I play drums. But since I'm on tour I'm sticking with kinetic sand and I have to get some more play doh. I draw some too."
"Do you still use the sensory book."
"Mmhm."
"I know it seems childish and stupid, but it's one of the best ways to distract from the anxiety."
"I haven't used it much, but I still have it. I should dig that out of my suitcase." She said the last part more to herself than to Dr. Everett. yawned and rubbed her eyes.
"Try and get some rest. It's the best thing right now."
"Okay. Thanks for the talk Dr. Everett. It helped a lot."
"Sure thing. That's what I'm here for. Call any time, no matter what the problem."
"I will. Goodnight."
"Goodnight. Oh, last last thing. Talk to Andy. And talk to your friends. Hiding in a hotel room and ignoring them isn't the solution."
"I will."