𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐄 | a. butler

eleven.

May Shonka rest in peace ♡

𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐘.

And instead of waking up in a happy mood because it was the last day of the week-I woke up with the weight of anxiety consuming me because I was filming my first ever scene today.

I had thought that being in the spotlight practically most of my life meant that I wouldn't be scared of these types of things. But boy, was I wrong. I never got used to it, and I didn't think I ever would.

When I was performing on stage, I could be me. I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't and be scared to mess up. It felt as if I were deep in this trance when I performed, with everything going by in a haze-the music would swallow me whole, transforming me into this whole other being.

I didn't understand how performing on stage felt different to how I felt when I was acting. But knowing that this movie was a big deal to Elvis' family and legacy just increased the heavy pressure and responsibility that I felt-especially when the woman who I was playing was still here today and was going to be watching the final product and my portrayal of her with assessing eyes.

I had then fallen down a deep rabbit hole of comments on social media claiming that I didn't have what it took to play such an important role in such a big film. I wanted to look away from the comments, but I just couldn't stop scrolling-it was like seeing something truly awful right before your eyes, you didn't want to look but you also didn't want to miss anything.

To put it in short, I was on the brink of having a mental breakdown.

I couldn't do this. Nope. I was just a humble twenty-year-old that would answer 'yes' to the question 'if all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too?', as I tried to roll my way through the difficulty of existence. I wasn't cut out for this.

And that's what led me to message Austin at half-six in the morning asking him for some reassurance because I was scared. What made me message Austin out of all the people I could have asked? I didn't really understand, myself. Part of it was to do with the fact that he had been in the same situation as me the other day; knowing that I wasn't alone in this situation was somewhat comforting to me.

At first, I didn't want to message him, because as you could tell, we weren't on the greatest terms yet and I had only just started to slowly like him. But there was nobody else I could message that could help me, as none of them had been stuck in this situation before.

Austin had replied immediately, his first message asking if I was alright and then the following one asking if he could come over because-and this is what he said- I shouldn't be alone when I was feeling like this.

I had more than happily agreed. And, you know, he was right with what he said, because simple text messages that said "You'll be great, don't worry" wouldn't have done much to ease my anxiety levels, so I was very thankful that he suggested that he come over.