16 | Daylight Thoughts (Part II)

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Kit sat silently on the floor in his cave.

He wanted Ty. In fact, what he wanted most was Ty. He wanted Ty to say "I love you" to him. He wanted Ty to hold his hands and feel the electric shock rush throughout him wherever and whenever Ty touched him.

And that's what the demon saw. That's what the demon saw when Kit fell through into Edom, and that's what the demon gave him. But he didn't know that it wasn't Ty. Kit felt disappointed, with himself, that he wasn't able to tell how Ty felt like.

It felt horrible. Knowing that he could only tell that it wasn't Ty after he spoke, and not the moment he saw him. It felt so horrible. A tiny, writhing feeling settled inside him, turning his insides to grey ashes.

Grey. How gorgeous Ty's eyes were. Indescribable, even. It possessed a deadly light, like the Shadowhunter Kit had come to associate Ty with. Yet, it was soft and small, as if Ty had been hurt too many times.

It gave Kit a strange desire to protect Ty valiantly, and Kit wondered if such contradictory traits were even possible. Perhaps that was what made Ty so beautiful in Kit's eyes. The walking contradiction he was.

But Ty hated Kit, didn't he? He detested Kit because clearly, Kit wasn't as good as him. Clearly, he was much better at everything than Kit. He fought better, he was smarter, and even more perfect. Kit even bet that there was a long queue for Ty's fan club with a bunch of screaming girls.

Why, then, would Ty want someone like him? Someone as useless and gay. Of course, Ty wasn't gay. Ty had just been young and dumb and decided being gay was cool. Until, of course, Kit screwed everything up.

Because Kit always screwed everything up. He screwed his dad up, he screwed the Shadow World up, and he screwed Ty up. He was screwed. Kit wondered what Ty even saw in him to deem him worthy of being with Ty.

The pain of not being good enough soon filled him up like an empty cup, over-spilling to the point where Kit grabbed a small knife, and cut a small 'x' on his leg.

Oh, the blood made it feel so much better. The pain numbed the ache in his heart, and the awful reality. Everything that made Kit feel like a worthless loser who didn't deserve anything at all.

He drew more and more until blood stained the floor crimson and his leg was sticky and red. Kit had already gotten used to it—to feeling like he wasn't good enough. He cut even more sharply, realising it hurt even more.

That Ty meant everything to him, but he meant nothing to Ty.

To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed.

But he had loved Ty and destroyed himself. He fallen in love with someone he couldn't have. He had to choose between his heart and his mind and he chose his heart. He had followed his heart and lost his mind.

He clutched the blade in his hands tightly, his knuckles turning white as the knife cut through his palms, a fountain of red trickling from his hand. He wondered how he wasn't dead yet, how the red hadn't washed away yet when Alec silently came in and gently pried the knife away from his hands.

Kit slumped onto the wall behind him as Alec drew iratzes which faded quicker than usual due to the high concentration of demonic energy in Edom, so Alec drew more until Kit was woundless.

"Why would you do that?" said Kit, his voice so low and quiet that he could barely hear it himself. "Why do you care? No one gives a damn about me."

"Ah," said Alec, tucking away his iratze and sitting beside Kit. "That's where you're wrong. A lot of people care about you, Kit, even if you don't know it yet. For starters, there's me. There's Jace, who loves you very much, and Magnus, Simon, Isabelle, and so many people you can't count them."

"But what does that matter if Ty doesn't?"

"So, that's what this is all about?" Alec grinned, something Kit rarely saw that occurred when Jace or Magnus weren't around. "You're trying to kill yourself over a boy?"

"He's not just a boy—" Kit began. "Never mind. I'm such a failure."

"You're aren't, Kit," said Alec lightly. "You're definitely not a failure. And trust me, Ty does care about you. I can see it in the way that whenever you speak, he looks at you in a way that he doesn't look at anyone else."

Kit was surprised. He hadn't noticed it, yet Alec had. Then again, Alec noticed everything. The minor details that no one bothered to look at, the hidden clues in things, Alec saw it all. He never overlooked anything. Kit admired Alec for that.

"You... think he likes me?" asked Kit, going very red in the face.

"Think? I know it, Kit." Alec laughed heartily. "Why, I've been through this myself. When I was struggling with coming out with my family, I remembered that I wasn't doing it for anyone else, I was doing it for myself. And Magnus, of course. Without him, I'm not sure where I'd be now."

"How does it feel? Being with Magnus?"

"If you're trying to ask for yourself, Kit, I wouldn't. Everyone's so-called experiences are different, and so will be yours. It's only by trying, and of course failing, will you know the true joy and love you feel when you're with the one you want," said Alec. "I'm sure Ty, with all his intelligence, will see all your strengths soon, even if he doesn't now."

"I can't wait!" burst out Kit. "I can't stand looking at him and not being able to touch him or feel him or talk to him or do all the things I want to do to him and it sucks!"

Alec shook his head, but he was smiling. "Patience, Kit, is one of the footholds in every relationship. If you can't even grasp the basic essence of patience, you'll never get a good relationship. We've all been through ups and downs in our journey, but that's what makes us all stronger when we emerge."

"I get it," said Kit, hanging his head down despondently. "I just wish he would at least talk to me normally, instead of shutting me out. It hurts, you know. Seeing him all the time and I can't even interact with him normally. It hurts to the point where I think I've forgotten what loving him is like."

"That makes rediscovering it all the more magical," Alec said softly, putting a hand on Kit's shoulder. He stood up and yawned. "And magic, while it may be an illusion, is beautiful and stunning. It also takes a lot of work to get it right. But when it's pulled off, the gratification defies the bounds of reality. Remember that, Christopher Herondale."

And then he left, leaving Kit there to ponder over what he said.     

***

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~𝔂𝓸𝓾'𝓻𝓮 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮𝓭, 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓵𝓮𝓽 𝓪𝓷𝔂𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓽𝓮𝓵𝓵 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓸𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻𝔀𝓲𝓼𝓮~

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