why don't we ⇒ sickfics

an update from me 💛

Hey girlypops.

I figured this was appropriate to post here as well since I said I was going to be updating a lot and then I didn't follow through. I'm sorry. I really am. I have been going through a lot and this is why.

So without further ado here is why I hate mothers day.

If I am being completely honest I didn't think I would tell y'all this.

So in November 2018, the twenty seventh to be exact, I found out I was pregnant. Crazy I know. So I had an on and off again boyfriend and it was a rocky relationship but we were working it out.

When I told him he was supportive, surprised but supportive. I was terrified because of how strict my parents are and I grew up in a black household so y'all know what that means. When I told him I was crying and I thought he was going to break up with me for good.

If y'all read Oh Baby! the way that Zach told Jack is exactly how I told my boyfriend except for Jack's reaction. My boyfriends was definitely toned down a bit. Also it's normal for women to get pregnant.

I waited two weeks after I told him to tell my parents. I told my mom first and she was disappointed but she supported me. It was my dad who I was worried about. I told him when we were alone and he didn't say anything he just nodded and walked back into the house. He didn't talk to me for a week.

When he came around he hugged me and told me how he would be by my side the whole time. I cried, again.

So fast forward to January. I was eleven almost twelve weeks when we found out I was having a baby girl.

We picked out a name that we had talked about. We both wanted it to be original.

Phoenix Rose

I had a gender reveal party that his older sister planned. And a baby shower at fourteen weeks.

We were working things out in our relationship and things were stable and healthy. I didn't think anything could've ruined that.

Boy was I wrong.

Last month on April 23rd/24th I had a miscarriage.

I was still going to school so I was in school. I noticed a pain in my lower abdomen and back. I figured that was normal because not only does pregnancy cause back pain but I also suffer from chronic back pain.

I did end up going home early that day though. I worked on some updates and wrote for a bit. I took a nap and it wasn't until 11:30pm ish when everything started to get worse. I kept waking up with a pain in my stomach and I got worried.

At this point I was twenty five weeks which translates to about five months and two weeks.

I couldn't even stand up by myself so I called my mom crying. At that moment I knew what had already happened but I didn't want to believe it.

She helped me to the car and she took me to the emergency room. I called my boyfriend on the way even though I didn't want to. He had school and then work after that so I didn't want to wake him up because I knew he was tired.

My mom called him for me because I was crying to much and he couldn't understand what I was saying. He got there right as I was going back. I sat in a wheelchair and I was in a lot of pain.

They brought me back and did an ultrasound and that's when we found out I lost our baby.

I was beyond devastated. I still am.

I had to force my body to go into labor because my miscarriage happened in my second trimester. They gave me a medication and I stayed in the hospital for two days.

When the medication finally did what it was supposed to I gave birth to a baby girl that wasn't breathing and was four months premature. They offered me to see her but I couldn't. The situation already threw me into a depressive episode.

I had to fill out a lot of paperwork and I had to try my hardest to not fully breakdown. I got to go home that night and my boyfriend stayed with me.

He hadn't said much but I knew he was upset.

I went back to school the following Monday and no one said anything.

I prefer not to talk about it but I will if it's necessary. We did have a small funeral with close family for her.

We did end up breaking up like literally three days ago and I'm sure it will stay that way.

I don't know why I'm talking about it now but it's probably because Jack's a dad now and it's Mother's Day.

It was hard going through that at seventeen. I am in no way promoting teen pregnancy because that shits hard. There were so many times that I wanted to drop out and give up.

I woke up this morning dreading it knowing that I'm no longer going to be a mom. My little brothers did get me flowers. And my mother and I did spend the day together with my older sister while my dad and brothers watched my niece and nephew.

This is also the reason I haven't been updating very much. I'm sorry y'all. I love you guys and thank you for listening.

Also I would show y'all pictures but he's in all of them and I don't want to show his face lol. Sorry. I will try and write again for y'all.

I have been trying to stay off social media today because it's hard and I won't lie and say I'm not struggling because I am.

I won't lie and say I'm not jealous of Jack and Gabbie because I low key am. I'm not sure if this makes any sense to y'all but it does to me. I can't go on Instagram without seeing posts about their baby.

And low key but high key am crying right now while writing this. Being jealous of their happiness makes me feel like a shitty person. I am so happy for them but I so badly wish I got to have my baby.

Lavender was born the day before I lost my baby. Sorry for making this about myself.

Good news. I can play soccer again which is sick.

Love you baby girl 💛

I'll try and be back soon and I'm sorry for being absent. 💛

- Cassandra / he11tothenaw

Ps I might delete this soon.