joji miller imagines

to wish upon a star

you

you sat next to joji in the uncomfortable chairs at doctors office, both hands grabbing his. you were patiently waiting for the doctor to come in, your heart in your throat.

"we got this honey, this is gonna be the one," joji whispered, rubbing his thumb onto my hand soothingly.

you had been married for three years, and trying for 2. and you just couldn't get pregnant, no matter how hard you tried.

fertility treatments were extremely expensive, and joji and you couldn't keep paying. your foot tapping violently against the floor.

and the office door opened, and an older man with white hair walked in, his white lab coat pressed neatly, and a clipboard in his hand.

he smiled softly then sat down, "Mr and Mrs Miller, hello." i smiled, "hi Dr Gerrie," he mumbled, sitting up straighter.

"so, this is your 4th time trying IVF?" the doctor asked, rifiling through the papers on his desk.

i nodded, "yeah, our fourth. did you look at my lab results, is everything okay?" i asked, squeezing into jojis hand.

Dr gerrie smiled again, the kind of smile that is so sympathetic it makes you nervous.

"so, guys. let's talk about this." he sighed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

your eyes drifted to the photos of babies on the wall, you wanted a baby so so so bad.

"you can only try these fertility treatments, a certain amount of times, then we start suggesting adoption, there are a surplus of children in the foster care system who need loving homes as well." Dr gerrie mumbled, pushing an adoption pamphlet across the desk with his pen.

my heart broke, we would love to adopt, but as selfish as it was, i wanted a baby with joji. a baby of my own.

"yeah, we've considered adoption, but we really-" joji stuttered, but was cut off by the doctor, "there is one more fertility shot on this treatment, then you may want to consider other options." he smiled, leaning back in his chair.

"so, we can still try the shot right?" i mumbled, my voice getting caught in my throat, trying to not cry.

"yes, of course. so you need to inject the hormone shot at exactly 9:30 pm, 17 hours before the surgery," the doctor continued, and joji and i nodded, we had done this three times before.

"do i need to go over the details of the surgery?" he asked, and joji and i both shook our heads.

technically it wasn't even a surgery, it was simply the injection of the mixture of sperm and eggs, something that had been explained to you hundreds of times.

"okay, so you will pick up the injection at the pharmacist on floor 3, as i'm sure you remember and i'll see you in 17 hours for the surgery, good luck you two." he nodded.

"right, well, um. thank you," joji smiled, standing up and helping me into my coat.
"yes, thank you again," i grinned, following joji out of the office.

"well, he seemed nice." joji mumbled, his hand intertwining with mine. "yeah, he did." i nodded, grabbing the car keys from my pocket.

joji and i left the building and the cold hair hit me, whipping my hair around my face. the air stinging my tear filled eyes.

and i opened the car door, climbing into the drivers side, and joji got in next to me. his hand rubbing on my thigh as i started the drive home.

-

i had felt like i had been on auto pilot all day, all through work, and on the drive home.
as i opened the front door of jojis and i's house i felt like the tears were going to spill out of my eyes.