joji miller imagines

alone II

joji

i had fucked up.

i fucked up bad. i lost her.

3 weeks, 21 days, 34 minutes and 6 seconds without her.

i didn't know she was my entire life until she was gone. i broke up with her, over a stupid reason.

just because i felt we had grown apart, which is fixable. these problems are fixable. i watched as tears streamed down her face as i sad those five words.

"i think we should breakup,"

her nose and lips were swollen, from crying. and it shattered my heart. then i left the apartment, and never turned back.

i can't believe i thought i would be okay without her, she was always there picking me up from the studio at night when i got too drunk to drive, and she always took care of me, and i can't do it without her.

i was so alone.

i was staying with brian, just until i could get back on my feet. brian didn't mind, but i missed y/n, so much that it hurt.

i wanted her back so bad, i would do anything.

in the mornings, i still reach for her side of the bed, but all i get is a fistful of cold sheets. when i make coffee in the morning, i still take out two mugs. just by habit.

i was tired of the tear soaked pillows, and all the nights where i never got sleep. i missed having y/n in my arms, i missed the way her eyes twinkled when i said her name, and her smile, the smile that could light up the whole world.

i bet she's found someone new, someone who treats her better than i treated her. someone who buys her flowers, keeps her warm at night and loves her, loves her unconditionally, because that's what she deserved.

it didn't really hit me that we broke up, until i was drunk, walking back to the hotel with all the other guys, and the first thing i did once we got to our rooms was trying to call her.

she always made me call her once i got home safe, "because i worry about you, baby" she would say. just as i was about to press call, max tapped my shoulder, "you guys broke up, remember?"

i was excited to call you, to tell you about how my day was, and how we just finished a new track in the studio today, and i was so excited for you to hear it.

and i was excited to hear you congratulate me, and say how much you missed me, and i wanted to hear your yawns, and your sleepy little voice saying "goodnight joj, love you forever".

i need her back, because i was nothing without her.

i drank and smoked to ease the pain, but nothing worked. there's no way i can make things better, y/n probably fucking hates me.

but it's okay, i would hate me too.

i wonder if she fell asleep with a book on her chest again, or her phone still in her hand, because she gets so sleepy she just passes out, so i always quietly put her phone or the book away without waking her up.

i loved her so much, hell, i'm in love with her.

when i went to go collect the last of my things from the apartment, i did everything in my power to not grab her and hug her, and never let go.

it was clear that she was on the verge of breaking, but she stayed strong. she always was so strong, through everything live throws at her.

it was 9 am, on sunday. according to her sunday routine, she should be cleaning her apartment, and making sure everything was in order and tidy for the coming week. i need to go see her.