Before Our Tale Ends

Chapter 13

CHAOS

I don't want to be too happy because I can't imagine myself being sad again. It scares me. Nothing is permanent in this world. I allowed my thoughts to linger on that beautiful photograph that consist of our family: my mother, father, Cash, me, and my late brother. I often think of where Calix might be right now and if he's happy. I hope he is.

It was like the whole world turned its back from me. I feel empty and scared. I was left immobile the whole time I was sitting in the waiting area, waiting for the doctor to come out and say that my brother is now stable. Pero minuto at oras pa ang hinintay ko at wala pa ring lumalabas na doktor. Habang mas tumatagal ay mas kinakabahan lang ako. What if he didn't make it? What if he's going with Him? What if he won't come back for us?

"Natatakot ako kuya," mahigpit ang pagkakakapit ni Cash sa laylayan ng aking damit.

"Magiging maayos din ang lahat. Huwag kang mag-alala Cash," sinubukan kong ngumiti pero hindi ako nagtagumpay. Fuck! My brother can't see me like this! Dapat ay magpakatatag ako para sa aming dalawa.

"Si Kuya Calix..." tuluyan nang napahagulgol si Cash. Masyado pa siyang bata para makaranas ng ganitong bagay. I can't stand seeing Cash like this. Dapat talaga ay umayos na si Calix.

"It's going to be okay. Calix will be okay. He should be."

"Kung hindi lang sana ako nagpumilit na mamasyal tayo e di sana wala ngayon sa operating room si kuya! Sana hindi siya nasagasahan. This is all my fault!"

"Don't say that, Cash. Walang may kasalanan dito," I clenched my fist and tried to hold back my tears. What is happening to our family that used to be perfect? Wala na. Unti-unti na kaming nasisira.

"No. I am so stupid! Natatakot ako kuya. Mom and Dad will hate me. I was the reason why-"

"Stop talking! Tumigil ka na, Cash. Just trust God. Trust Him."

Wala ang mga magulang namin dito dahil kasalukuyan silang nasa Amsterdam para i-meet ang isa sa mga investor ng kumpanya namin naka-base sa Manila. I can still remember their promise. Ang sabi nila ay pro-protektahan nila kaming tatlo pero nasaan sila ngayon? Nasaan sila ngayong nasa kritikal ang kanilang panganay? I guess promises are really meant to be broken.

Two days later, Calix died at the ICU. It was tragic and heartbreaking. Para akong pinatay ng paulit-ulit. Hindi lang ako nawalan ng kapatid. Nawalan din ako ng kaibigan. Hindi na siya inabutan pa ng mga magulang namin. Sa aming lahat ay si Cash ang pinakanaapektuhan. Sinisi niya ang sarili niya sa pagkamatay ni Calix. Cash is just ten years old and he doesn't deserve to feel this pain. Seeing my brother lying lifeless inside his coffin makes me want to go wih him than continue living but I can't just live Cash alone. Calix left us and chose to be with God instead. Siguro oras na nga niya at wala na kaming magagawa roon.

Natatakot ako na baka agad ding mawala sa akin si Ingrid. She's special to me. Natatakot akong maiwan na naman. That day when I learned about her secret, I knew it's going to happen again. May mawawala na naman. I was still on the denial stage that time pero ngayon ay hindi na. Hindi lang basta awa ang naramdaman ko para sa babaeng katabi ko ngayon.

Holding her hand like this and being this close to her, with our skin touching, makes my heart beat faster than the usual. Hindi naman ako tanga para hindi malaman kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. I have read hundreds of books at marami akong bagay na natutunan dahil sa pagbabasa. If this isn't a just simple crush, then this might be infatuation. Damn. I'm a fucking infatuated teenager at sa isa pang prinsesa ng mga nyebe na may lahing halimaw!