Always and Forever

26 . The Monster

                WORD COUNT:831

The worst thing about past is that , it can't be undone. Regret and guilt will be the only things left behind . .....

The Memories will haunt us forever . At certain times , our past will destroy our future . We make it even more worse by continuing our mistakes rather than correcting them . The guilt consumes us and to avoid this , we become heartless , we don't care for anything . We start doing more cruel things to prove ourselves that we don't have a heart . And that's the same thing I did in my case .

That night I was not able to sleep , the lady cried and begged for her life in my dream. Her screams never let me close my eyes . My hands were covered with her blood . They stayed there like stains , like a dark scar of a villain . She murmured in my ears in my dream that night .
"Hayat ....hayat....." her last words kept on replaying in my mind . I thought she was begging for her lost life .
Only if I had known that she had a daughter named Hayat with whom I would fall in love with .

Her son too played his part well in making me feel guilty. He too came in my dreams every night , with the same hollow eyes . His unshed tears made me feel more guilty. The guilt and regret kept on increasing that I was not able to concentrate on anything else other than my horrible dreams . I tried everything to forget them , but it seemed impossible .
I always felt them beside me .

I started hating myself , I blamed myself for everything. I cornered myself from everyone and everything. What would you expect from a seven year old little kid drowning in guilt . I stopped speaking with my dad and mom , fearing that they would hate me for what I have done . But I never knew that I was going to do more than this and they would appreciate me for those .

It is hard to feel the guilt , so I chose to ignore it by doing things worse than what I have already done. I started killing a lot of people that I never had time to think about all of them and so the guilt begun vanishing . I killed a three month child . not a child , an infant ,leaving the mother alive . If I had killed the mother, sparing her child's life . She would die happily ,Which would make me feel guilty . I never gave them that opportunity. I wanted them to suffer . It made me feel like a monster , without having to worry over the past . I always preferred killing the weaker ones . I wanted the stronger one to break down .I will leave the elder sibling and kill the younger one , when I spot any brothers or sisters . I want the elder and stronger one to break down , the elder ones should die daily with the memories of their younger sibling. I wanted them to blame themselves. I wanted to make their life miserable like how mine was , I wanted to make their life hard .If I kill the the elder ones , there will be no fun to feed my inner beast . The younger ones cry for a few days and then they move on . They will surely miss their elder ones , but they won't blame or hate themselves like how I do .

Once I spotted a twin sister , and the next thing I did was, I killed one of them , leaving the other alive . I could have killed them both , but then there will be no pain , I gained happiness in their pain , maybe that's why there is a proverb "no pain , no gain." They would have lived together , shared their joy and sorrow with each other all these years. But now the living one dies in pain daily . She will be a living example to show the world, what a monster I am ......

The wetness of my tears on my cheeks , bought me back to reality . I was crying continuously .my tears are not enough to erase my sins .I felt all the pain at once. It was unbearable. I hated myself . I can't change the past , I can't take back their pain . I can't give them the happiness that they deserve. I can't give them their dead family back .I can't give them their long lost peace . I can't give them back their smile that they have forgotten .All the sleep they have lost can't be given back .

All I can do is cry , cry and cry till my tear glands become dry . But there is no one to cry to . I have no shoulder to cry on . The only thing I can cry on is on my prayer mat . I cried in sujood for all the terrible things I have done . I felt like I am unforgivable . But Allah is the most merciful . I shouldn't lose my hope on allah , coz that's the only thing keeping me alive .

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It was difficult to write this chapter . Potraying a cruel person is hard . I did try to  give my best , so tell my how the chap is .

It is disappointing, When you get double the no of reads as much as the votes . So don't forget to kiss that star ❣❤