everytime x Nick Mara

"Please talk to me"

I got ready for the party. The kids couldn't be with me so I hired a nanny for the night.

I got in my car and I drove to the PM house. I let out a deep breath. I would have to face my fears, face reality, face him. I know its not gonna turn out well but I' ll smile. I'll greet everyone, I'll tell them im fine, I wont let them really know.

I knocked on the door. They tell me not to do that a lot but its a habit and I don't have a right to just walk in anymore. The door opened and I looked up and saw Nick.

"Oh....Hey, I forgot you were throwing a party today" Nick said awkwardly. I can tell when he is nervous or uncomfortable because he rubs his hands on his pants. Almost like to rid them of sweat.

"Oh....well umm...I didn't think you would be here. How is everything" I asked.

"Everything is good, what about you and the kids"

"We are fine, Nick you know that you can text me"

"I'm scared that if she knows I have contact with you then she will hurt someone"

"It's ok, Evelyn misses you a lot. I have heard her cry at night but when I check on her she tells me she's fine"

"I know where she gets that from" He chuckled. I don't know why it's so awkward to talk to him. It hurts to see him and know he isn't mine. We aren't as comfortable with each other. Maybe because we're scared, scared of Alexys. Maybe we accepted that we don't belong together.

I would have dreams that we were endgame. Nick has never met Nonna but she says we are right for each other. She loves Nick with all her heart. She cried finding out I was engaged. I couldn't tell her what happened. It would crush her.

I think Nick and I just knew we weren't meant to be. Maybe the universe is against us. Maybe we shouldn't be together. Maybe it's deeper than the situation. Maybe this was a sign. Maybe we aren't everytime. Maybe this is all fake and it's just a test of our love. Maybe we are just budding.

"So are we still doing that song" I asked.

"Hell yea but she can't know it's with you. You should come to the studio with the boys so that she thinks it's only the boys." He said. I nodded.

"Alright I have to go talk to Brandon before other people get here" I said. I had realized that I was still outside the door. We had worked our way to sitting on the steps. The door was wide open and we were really close.

We walked into the house and I saw Alexys laying on the couch. I walked to the studio and saw all the guys.

"Why are you guys down here" I laughed as they were trying to fit on the couch.

"Because she is up there. I can't look at her. I have never liked her" Edwin said. I laughed. Then I nodded.

"Yea that shit aint happening, not when she hurt you" Zion said and the others nodded. I rolled my eyes and hugged them.

"So y'all ready to turn up. We play the album before midnight before it drops" I said. They cheered. The house was already set up and we had to wait for people. I sat in the studio and wrote until I heard the door open a few times.

I walked upstairs and said hi to everybody. I put on a smile and laughed with everthing they said. I made people feel welcome. Once the max was here we started to play my music.

"Hey Emma, I want you to properly meet Maggie" Brandon said.

"Not like she didn't help me with my album. Of course I know Maggie" I laughed. I hugged Maggie and we talked for sometime.

"Emma talk to me. I know we don't know each other but I can tell something is wrong" Maggie said out of nowhere.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine" I lied.

"Please talk to me. You don't look good. You look tired, sad, finished, broken" She said. I wanted to look at myself in the mirror.

"Not in the face but in your eyes. They don't look how they used to in your instagram pictures. You are different" Maggie said.

"Because I am. I'm restless and out of tears" I said.

"Please talk to me"

"I lost the love of my life to a physco bitch. My little nuggets just cry and the big baby cries all night for him" I said. I wanted to cry but I couldn't.

"I can't keep smiling like everything is ok. I can't keep lying to my friends, my family, myself" I said. Maggie just held me. I had let a tear slip. I haven't talked about it. Once midnight came the album had been dropped. We partied a little more and I went home.

Again Evelyn was crying. I couldn't take it anymore. I walked into her room and watched as she was looking at some polaroids we took. She was looking through the engagement pictures and the pictures when the twins were first born. I sat on her bed and started crying. She quickly wiped her tears.

"Mommy, why are you crying, you don't cry" She said. How can she act like she wasn't just crying. How can she tend to me like she isn't broken.

"It's ok baby, you can cry, why do you not want me to see you cry" I asked.

"Because you are never crying. You are strong mommy. I want to stay strong like you" She said.

"Baby you are strong. I am not, I cry all the time. I just don't let you see because I don't want you to think less of me. You have been through so much and you are only 5. You can cry, you're supposed to cry"

"But mommy doesn't"

"Well mommy is crying now so can you cry with me"

"But-"

"It will make both of us feel better. I know it's hard and I'm so sorry I did this to you. I'm sorry I ruined you life is just two years" I cried. Evelyn started crying also. I just held her. That night we cried together.