Ang Kalahati Kong Nawala

23. Alex

July 2014, 1st year college

Jesus, it's so windy.

First day of classes pa pa naman, sira na ang buhok ko. Not that I care, pero I did spend some time brushing it. Sayang effort, bes.

As I brisk-walked through Plaza Mayor, I realized kung bakit mahangin: uulan pala. Darn it.

Nasa gitna pa 'ko ng ulan. Shitshitshitshitshit bakit ko nakalimutang magdala ng payong? Sa UST pa naman ako nag-aaral ... shit shit shit shit...

Tumigil ang ulan. Natigil ang transformation ko into a basang sisiw. May nagpayong sakin.

He's wearing a pharma uniform. He couldn't be older than me- maybe kabatch ko siya?

"Tara, bago lumakas?" he smiled at me. He's got one of those smiles na assuring. Sometimes when boys smile at me, alam ko na may balak sila. Or may iniisip na masama, creepy, or pacute ba. Trust me, I know. There are bad smiles, and there are smiles like this one.

I like this smile.

Dali-dali kaming pumasok sa loob ng Main. Kaagad niyang sinara ang kanyang payong. He quickly fished something out of his bag. Imagine my surprise nung inabutan niya ko ng bimpo.

"Gusto mo?" alok niya.

"Paano ikaw?" nasagot ang tanong ko nung kumuha siya ng isa pang bimpo sa bag niya. "Woah, bakit 2 ang bimpo mo?"

"Um, may disaster kit ako sa bag lagi," nahihiya niyang sabi. "Habit ko na siya dati, nung high school."

I smiled at him. "Well, I'm... very lucky. Thank you. I... I should go find a rest room."

Umoo siya. "Of course."

"Um, can I get your name?" tanong ko. I hope I'm not blushing too much.

Parang na-surprise siya na tinatanong ko name niya. "EJ. Ikaw?"

"I'm Alex, by the way." Nakipagkamay kami. "See you around. Ibabalik ko nalang sayo to, ah?"

"Sure. I guess since pharma tayo parehas, magkikita tayo. Bye." Umalis na siya agad. While he's walking, nagpupunas siya ng kamay at ulo.

It took me a few seconds to realize- duh – I should've asked kung saang block siya. Well played, Gravitas. Lumabas ako ng CR looking refreshed, but problemado. Who is that guy? Where is he?

Turns out, pagpasok ko sa Room 147, sa first class ko, nakita ko siya. Nginitian niya ko ulit. I smiled back and gave him his towel.

Something tells me na this EJ is a good guy.

*** *** ***

Now.

Hindi gaanong maaraw today, pero mukha namang di umuulan. Nakaupo ako sa mga benches overlooking Plaza Mayor. I can see the students walking past by, the students walking inside the Main Building, walking out. I wonder if nararanasan nila yung nararanasan ko ngayon- having to make a decision. Do I give this guy a chance, or no?

I smiled as I remember the past three years. Since we were freshies, crush ko na si Ezra Jerome Cordero. Yup, corny. Too sappy. Maybe a bit malandi. But hey, it's not everyday you meet a catch like that guy.

He's not as popular or flashy with other guys at our batch, or kahit sa block namin mismo. But everyone I know agrees he's a nice person. He's good-looking din, though he never seem to realize it.

Once, nung debut ng isa sa mga friends namin, we held a game: if we were to marry someone from our block, sino? A lot of us agreed: si EJ. For what it's worth, Elijah came in second. Hehe.

Marami ring nagtataka sa amin kung bakit single siya. As the years passed, yung tropa niya marami-rami na 'ring naka-fling, naka-relasyon. A lot of them are in a committed relationship right now, except Sid, who is a fuckboy. Then, may nag-leak ng info: may totga daw siya. Kaya pala.

EJ's always smiling, but there's a slight sadness in him. Like he's trying to hide from something, or run away from something. Minsan parang anlayo ng tingin niya. At first I thought dahil lutang lang siya or whatever- pharma can do you that- but maybe iniisip niya yung lost love niya?

So I held back. I kept liking him, but I made sure na di ako nagbibigay ng motibo. Side-effect ng lumaki with a conservative as hell family, I guess. My best friends- Meg and Andrea- sila lang ang nakakaalam. They make up some schemes para mapalapit kaming dalawa. But wala namang nangyayari... until now.

I should be happy, right? We kissed. He likes me, or at least, he wants to date me. But his past...

Then I saw him coming.

You'd think that someone wearing pharmacy uniform would appear unimpressive sa mata ko- kasi of course, araw-araw ko 'yan nakikita. But EJ always looked good. He's smiling again, but it's a different kind of smile, like please don't be mad at me kind of smile.

I can feel it again, the proverbial butterflies in my stomach. Totoo pala yun. Meeting EJ, napatunayan ko na totoo yun.

"You remembered," sabi ko.

Tumawa siya ng konti. "Of course. First year, diba? Wala kang payong, binigyan kita ng bimpo kasi basa ka..."

"... then pagpasok ko ng room, kaklase pala kita."

Tumawa kami parehas. It was quite a memory para sa aming dalawa.

"Listen," simula ko. "I kept thinking... yung sinabi mo sakin sa lab kanina."

Lumapit pa siya lalo sa akin.

"Yes, tama ka. I can't just trust on your words alone. Syempre may effort ka rin dapat... and I'll do the same din. But ngayon, isa lang ang kailangan ko sayo. And ironically, it needs words."

Tinitigan niya ako. "Ano ibig sabihin mo?"

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. Para bang may static na dumaloy sa aming dalawa. As I look into his eyes, I made a silent prayer to God: please let this be him. Let my first crush be my last love.

"Ikwento mo sa akin ang lahat."

Hinigpitan niya ang hawak sa aking kamay. He leaned in, and kiniss niya ko sa cheeks. Okay, namumula na ako. I didn't need a mirror to see myself.

"Well..." tumingin siya sa kanyang watch. "Matagal pa naman ang break natin. At ayoko nang magtago ng sikreto sa'yo."

"Ready ka na, Alex?"

I said yes.

It was a long break.