My Girl ☹︎ Billie eilish

Chapter 18 ☹︎

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My heart is beating so hard against my chest, to the point where it almost fucking hurts.

She wants to talk to me, but why? No one has heard from her in over a week. What's so special about me?

I don't want to mess anything up again.

I go to knock on the door, my hand pulls back slightly out of nervousness. I continue though, ignoring the knot in my stomach. As soon as my hand pulls away from the door, I step back.

I hear faint footsteps come towards the door. I hear the door unlock, and right away I see the door creak open slightly.

Her figure lingers in the doorway, her eyes look heavy. She looks like she just woke up, her hair is in a messy bun, and she's in sweatpants and a t shirt.

She still looks beautiful though.

"Come on in" She croaks. Her voice breaks faintly, and I can tell she's hesitant about speaking with me.

I nod my head and walk in. I take off my shoes, and put my phone away. I turn around to see ember sitting on one side of the couch. So I shuffle over and sit on the other side.

She looks down, her hands are interlocked, her thumbs rubbing against each-other. She sighs in deeply, it's shaky and unstable.

"You're probably wondering what happened" she says. "With me...I mean" she mumbles.

"Ember- I don't need an explanation, it isn't my business I-" I try to say. She cuts me off though.

"Why do you continue to try to be in my life Billie, honestly" she asks, her eyes are darted at me. Heavy and questioning.

I don't know what to say, she clearly has stated she doesn't want to be with me, I can't tell her that I still have feelings for her.

"Because I care about you." I respond. She nods her head, it doesn't really look like she's believing me.

"In what way" she questions. I shake my head.

"Ember no." I mention.

"Billie in what way" she asks again. Her voice demanding and stern.

"What the fuck do you want me to say ember? That I still love you? Because if that's what you want, then that's what you got okay?...." I breath out.

"I'm still in love with you...and I want to be with you." I confess. I sound fucking stupid. Why did I have to say that to her.

"I can't, you know that Billie" she says to me. I nod my head.

"I know that, but I don't know why. If you don't want to be with me, and you clearly have known that I have some type of feelings for you, why invite me here, why keep me around?" I ask.

"It's not you." She mentions. Huffing.

"Then what is it" I ask. She shakes her head. Standing up she rubs her hands through her hair.

"I want you around, but I can't have you around in the way you want to be Billie" she speaks. Her voice quivering slightly.

"What do you mean by that" I wonder. She shakes her head again, turning around she crosses her arms.

"I'm not going to be able to give you anything you want Billie. It's not going to be the same, no cute little dates, not sneaky hookups or steamy nights.....nothing." she says, raising her voice slightly. "I'm not the same"

I stand up, running my hand through my hair I breath out heavily. "You think this is about sex? Ember I don't care about that I care about you"

"Of course it's not about sex Billie, that's not the point. The point it- I-I" she stops. Her hands cover her face, turning her face towards me she rubs the tears from her eyes.

"He....did things to me. I didn't want him to......I passed out, hoping he would be gone when I woke up, but he never was."

"I can't even have anyone touch me without breaking down..... I can't even look at myself in the mirror. For fucks sake I keep a blanket over my bathroom mirror so I don't have to be reminded of how fucking destroyed I am" she cries. Her voice breaks and she steps back a bit.

"that episode I had last time you were here....was a PTSD attack. That mark you were staring at.." she break off, not even bothering to look at me. "Was something he did."

"That's why all the mirrors in my room and bathroom are covered" she says.

"It was a lot billie, you seeing what was on me. And what happened" she says. "But this is my new normal. And I refuse to have it as yours"

"Don't you get it" I breathe out

"You push everyone away, I just want to fucking love you. No matter what way. I don't care about the sex or your episodes. All I care about is you" I say.

"Why don't you give yourself enough credit? You think you have to do everything on your own, you don't let anyone help you" I let out. "I don't want to try to fix you, I just don't want you to be alone" I sigh.

She's silent, like deadly silent.

"im not going to be normal in one night" she mumbles. I nod my head gently.

"I know, and I'm okay with that."