and I hate to say I love you, when it's so hard for me.
"do you love her?" they tease, not knowing the dull pain they cause me.
I take a sharp inhale. the sound of my heart aching, echoing in my head.
"no, I don't." the lie rolls off of the tip of my tongue, the sentence leaving a metallic taste.
"tell us the truth. stop lying."
"do you really want to know?" I warn, they nod eagerly.
"you really want to know how much I love her? how desperate I am for her love? how my heart feels like its gonna detach and fall to the pit of my stomach every time I see her, which is not even the most painful thing I feel when I see her. how sick and tired I am of hearing everyone saying I am in love with her when everyone knows damn well how much pain it causes me? how I am so in love with her i want to jump off a cliff so she notices me just for a second? how I blame my own bad luck that that douchebag over there had to steal her heart first?" I shout, standing abruptly from my seat and walking out of the cafeteria.
And I hate to say, I want you. when you make it so clear, you don't want me.
"You and Sean should date." A random sophomore teases.
I laugh it off, not denying it.
"ew, never in a million years. he's disgusting." she states, jokingly. the aching pain, the feeling of my heart detaching itself and falling to the pit of my stomach present.
i look over to my friends and see their sympathetic smile, i shrug it off and fake a smile. fidgeting with my fingers, a habit i've picked up ever since i realized i had fallen in love with my best friend.
i'd never ask you, 'cause deep down i'm certain, i know what you'd say. you'd say "i'm sorry, believe me, i love you. but not in that way."
they'll never know how much times i wanted to tell her. how i wanted to confess my love for her and her to feel the same way. but i know what she'd say. i have finally accepted she'll only ever see me as her best friend.
and i hate i say i need you. i'm so reliant, i'm so dependant, i'm such a fool.
it baffles me how much i depend on you. it pains me to say how much i need you, how you're my oxygen and without you, i'd die. but it's the truth. you're my everything, i've said this so many multiple times but you never believed me.
but you are, kaycee, you are my world.
you will never know that feeling, you will never see through these eyes.
when i talk to you about this girl i like. when i vent to you about how i want this girl, how much i want to hold her and kiss her but she has a boyfriend. you comfort me and console me, saying how unfair life can be. how you know the feeling. but do you really? do you really know the feeling of being told how you could get any guy you wanted. but how heartbreaking and painful it is to know that the one guy you wanted most, the guy who you wanted to spend my life with, the guy who you hoped would be the father of your children, the guy you have been longing for for so long, was the one guy you could not get.
i'd never ask you, 'cause deep down i'm certain, i know what you'd say. you'd say "i'm sorry, believe me, i love you. but not in that way."
maybe it's time to move on. even knowing how hard and painful it might be. how hard it'll be to see you with someone else. you have no idea how bad i want to rip out my heart and trade it for a new one. a new heart to forget all the feelings i have for you, the pain that eats me alive everyday for loving you.
『 author's note 』
hiii sorry i've not been posting
i've been really busy and had major writers block
but thank you for reading and happy new year !!
