Yours Truly

xciv. empty

One of the most raw poems that I've ever written in my entire life.

-X-

Laying on my bed right now,

Staring at the ceiling as if it was stars.

Wondering what is this feeling harbouring my entire soul,

Lately, I have been embracing the numbness and reincarnating new scars.

I do not know why I've been feeling this way,

I was alright for a second and now I'm swallowed by this pit of sadness.

They said that it's going to be okay, cheer up, that everything is going to be okay,

But can't they see? 

I am trying to be happy but this is a sensation that I could not see even a faint light in this darkness.

I lay each night questioning if this was still worth it,

In every breath I take I wonder if I could just hold it.

I wanted to cry but no tears came out,

I wanted to shout but it came as a muffled sigh and I told myself to just quit.

This feeling is so raw it's killing me inside,

Ripping my heart open as I feel it break into pieces.

I am scared that someday I would just get used to being like this,

I am scared to not feel anything, to not be human, to not live.

For once I wanted to smile without tasting the metallic savor as I bit the insides of my mouth,

For once I wanted to breathe without the thought of maybe if I just hold it for a minute it would make everything alright.

For once I wanted to live freely without the thought of maybe if I die everyone would be happy,

For once I wanted to be happy without feeling the liquid pool in the corners of my sight.

I wanted everything of this to end,

But I, myself, do not know why I am feeling this.

Some days I forget about it but it would always come back,

I do not want to live all my life running away from this monster.

I want this sadness to be gone,

I want this pain to go away. 

I just want happiness,

I just want to be okay.

I was writing this to let you know that for once I was in this state,

My lowest point, my downfall, my darkest hours.

That at some point in my life I wasn't strong enough to handle everything all at once.

The girl you knew wasn't all too bright and bubbly,

Sometimes she's that girl who you wouldn't notice a tear just fell from her eyes void of emotions.

And another, another, another,

Until her tears turn into pools of sobs each night before sleep takes her into his arms.

I do not want you to pity me,

All I want is that you would never be tired of me.

People kept on breaking me not knowing I was already broken to begin with,

Please remind me that I am a human too,That it is okay to not feel okay sometimes,

That it is okay to cry if I need too.

Sometimes I just need someone to hold onto.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Please help me,

I feel so empty.

-X-