Realize (COMPLETED)

22.

LM

I never imagined that the twists and turns of my life would bring me the solemn comfort I've only ever dreamed I could have; since the disintegration of my marriage and my wife's subsequent death, my whole world went to hell. I've got a new reason to smile now, and I've discovered how to live again; that's an accomplishment in itself. If you would have told me three months ago that my fresh new outlook on life would be in the form of a five foot two pregnant woman, I would have politely told you to fuck off. But it has, everything has changed and I owe it to her.

To my Jennie.

The dynamic of my relationship with Jennie changed when she refused to sleep in bed without me. It wasn't a request, it was a demand that I sleep with her in my arms each night. I noticed that she didn't cry in her sleep anymore... My hope is that it's because I'm here with her that she feels she is safe enough to rest.

During the day we keep a friendly distance, not too much hugging or sneaking quick pecks when we're going about our daily routine...But at night, she takes my hand and leads me into her bedroom where nothing is off limits. We haven't had sex to which a part of me is thankful for, but when we cuddle she allows me to sneak a few kisses. I love how soft her skin is and how my lips feel pressed against hers if only for a few seconds. It's a perfect way to fall asleep.

We never sleep in my bed. When I asked her why she had such an aversion to coming into my room, she said that she felt it would be disrespectful to sleep in the same bed that I shared with my wife. I understand how her words could be misconstrued but they weren't meant to insult me; on the contrary, she feels that she'll taint the memories I shared with Niki by taking her place in my bed. I get it. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable, and in that case I'm having a new bed shipped in sometime next week. This is my first step in really moving on from my past, and embracing the future that Jennie will be a part of.

As the days blur together I have yet to stop and soak it all in. Things are changing quickly and for the better I would say. It's now the first week in November and Jennie has just past the thirty-two week mark. Her once cute, little baby bump has blossomed into a more pronounced round beach ball. She hasn't complained once about her ever expanding mid-section; my girl is taking it in stride.

She's been quiet lately only speaking when spoken to. She especially clams up when I mention the baby and scheduling an appointment with an adoption agency. Each time the subject comes up, she seems sure that she still wants to go through with it, but when it comes to actually making the call it never happens. I volunteer to do it for her, not because I want to because the last thing I want to do is help her pick out new parents for the baby, but I want to be the support system she needs.

Jennie says she'll handle it on her own...I believe her.

It makes me wonder if she's spoken to Rose, Jisoo, or even mom about her reservations since it seems their relationship has grown leaps and bounds. Perhaps this is what Jennie has needed, to be around positive women who want nothing more than to love and protect her. Each weekend since the first time the girls went out has been a repeat performance. There's shopping of course, but they always do something different each time. So far they've taken advantage of dad's boat to have a day out on the lake. They go on little weekend excursions to neighboring cities to do...Whatever girls do. Lately, as Jennie's pregnancy has progressed they stick around LA but have yet to slow down their activities.

Imagine my shock when last weekend Jennie walked through the door with two bags filled with baby clothes. I was used to her leaving and coming back with bags upon bags of stuff the girls had picked out for her while shopping. Jennie said Rose talked her into it and being a sucker for the puppy dog eyes she relented. I asked what she planned to do with them and she said she'd give them to the adoptive parents as a present. As if giving the nonexistent adoptive parents a baby isn't enough, she wants to give them brand new baby clothes. She never ceases to amaze me.