Realize (COMPLETED)

29.

JK

My eyelids are heavy, but sleep is the last thing I want to do. Powdery snow swirls past the window I've been staring out of since boarding the ragged Greyhound bus. For seventy-five dollars I secured a one way ticket to Portland, Oregon. I don't know what I'll do when I get there...When I boarded the bus I didn't think my measly savings would get me by for long and I started to panic—that was until I found an envelope stuffed in one of the pockets in my bag as the bus started rolling. Through tear-laden eyes, I counted five thousand dollars.

Jisoo, that crazy bitch.

She's been too kind to me. Maybe one day we'll cross paths, and I'll pay her back every cent.

There are ten people on the bus including myself. We're all quiet, lost in our own thoughts I suppose—scattered around the bus with no one person sitting too close to the other. I've been on this bus for at least twenty-two hours and its been a hell of a bumpy ride. The heater on the bus is either broken or faulty because the tip of my nose is freezing, and even through my heavy clothes and winter coat, I'm chilled to the bone.

My body aches...I'm tired...I'm scared...I miss Lisa...I miss my baby.

Self-sacrifice is a bitter pill to swallow. I've only had to worry about myself when running away, never having to look back because there was nothing holding me there...But I've literally left my heart in LA. As cruel as that city may have been to me, it also gave me Lisa and a family that was too good to be true. They'll always be a part of my life, a time I was truly happy.

Of course I feel horrible for what I've done...I never thought I'd admit it, but I do feel heavy remorse. My leaving had to happen in order for Lisa and I to move forward. Hours of thinking brought me here, to this place where I realize we were holding each other back.

Lisa was in love with the idea of me.

I was blinded by the comfort she gave...But past demons are what motivated our relationship. I truly believe that.

Jisoo told me the story because Lisa couldn't.

A few weeks before I went into labor we were out at lunch—Jisoo spilled everything. How his wife had slipped into depression after the car accident killed their child and left her barren. She became an alcoholic and spiraled out of control, which ultimately led to her death.

I had already pieced some things together on my own, but hearing it from her mouth was hard.

Lisa wasn't over Niki's suicide. What a traumatic experience to come home and find the love of your life dead in a bathtub, her heart no longer beating because she made the decision to stop it permanently. There's no way she can be over that—it makes so much sense. Her taking me and keeping me in her home, taking care of me, loving me and my unborn child...She was using me to fill the empty gap in her heart that her wife's death left behind.

I was a needed distraction for a woman who was tormented by her own self- imposed loneliness, and I'm okay with that. In turn, she was the same for me. I'm a scared nine year old girl trapped in a woman's body that's fucked up by her past. In her arms I found what I needed; comfort, protection, strength...and love.

Our relationship was fake...

We couldn't truly open up to each other and with both of us having suffered through such frightening experiences it was only a matter of time before everything blew up in our faces. I could feel it happening—feeling stifled by her constant need to be right there at all times, dependent on it even. She didn't want to be away from me ever. Sometimes it was like that for me too, especially coming up on the end of my pregnancy.