Realize (COMPLETED)

19.

JK

I feel like I'm living in the fucking twilight zone. Did any of that actually happen? Well, duh I know it really happened but I still can't believe...First we're eating, then we're dancing, and then I'm meeting her mom...What a trip.

I need a cigarette.

The butterflies are still going crazy in my gut just thinking about being so close to her, or maybe I've confused them with gas bubbles. Whatever. All I know is whenever she's close that feeling becomes slightly overwhelming.

You like her, that's why!

Yeah, well, I do kind of like her.

Cooking breakfast this morning was so natural. The minute I woke up I knew exactly what I wanted to make for her to show her, in my own special way, how much I appreciate all she's done for me. I've only been here a short time and though my bitchiness has been at the forefront from day one, she puts up with it. I've got issues, she understands that and I think that's why she's keeping me around.

The genuine smile on her face as we ate together made me tingle. She always makes me tingle in the best way, even when she's getting on my fucking nerves. No guy or girl has ever done that to me, ever. We laughed together and for the first time since I've been here we just, let go.

If only things were different...

It's a hard pill to swallow when I look at her, really look at her, and realize Lisa is waaaay out of my league. I mean have you seen this girl? She's every girl's wet dream and I'm nothing special. Dull brown eyes, dull brown hair, pale skin, and before I was pregnant my body was nothing to brag about.

She surely can't find me attractive now, can she?

When she asked me if I thought I was beautiful I wanted to punch her in her pretty little face. Only vain women admit that shit aloud, but to answer her question truthfully I would say no and mean it. I've always thought that physical beauty means nothing if you don't possess goodness within.

Let's be real, I don't have one decent bone in my body.

I've only known goodness through Gran and I could never be all that she was. Kind, gentle, caring; she would give you the shirt right off her back if you asked. I'm so selfish that if I were wearing a dress made of safety pins and someone asked if I could spare one, I would politely say no. It's second nature for me to be a bitch. When it comes to making decisions, I think about how it will benefit me.

Which leads me to my current predicament. The only difference is I realize how fucked up I am and I would be putting the baby through a world of hell if I decided I wanted to raise her.

What could I possibly give her?

I have nothing...

Nothing but...Lisa.

I'm swept up in remembering how everything seemed to fade into thin air the moment I was pressed against her chest. That song, those lyrics, gripped me and I was so caught up in them that I didn't notice Lisa had moved until I felt her standing before me. Her beautiful eyes pierced mine in the most amazing way and when she asked me to dance I almost cried out in happiness. She wanted to touch me. We were pressed so close together I could feel the steady beating of her heart. Then, reality set in; she didn't want me. No, she was just doing this out of pity. She felt sorry for me and, oh fuck when I was in her arms it felt like I should always be there. She evoked so many emotions within me just by her simple touch.

We were so close, so so so close and yet absolutely nothing will come of it. I pulled away and she seemed hurt. What was she expecting?

What does she want?