Realize (COMPLETED)

25.

JK

Life sucks!

At least mine does...

I guess I can't speak on the subject by making the generalization that life sucks for everyone because it doesn't. I can't speak for anyone else since this is my story, who else would I be talking about?

I know what you're saying. "Jennie, it's your own fucking fault." Believe me I know. I can see clearly more now than ever before that I've given up hope and trying is useless at this point. The guilt is eating me up; I never thought it would feel so intense. I've managed to screw up everything that meant something to me because of fear of the unknown...I've said it before and I'll say it again, running away is easier than having to deal with the shit you can't change. Now, it seems that I have more of a reason to run away... I've never felt so alone. Not in a literal sense, because I'm constantly surrounded by Lisa and the Manoban's who go out of their way to make sure my needs are met. It's more in a physical sense, where I feel none of them could ever understand what I'm going through.

I hate to bombard their lives with my delusions. I won't do that, not to any of them.

Caleb and Krystal are the parents I never had. They call to check up on me every day just because. I can't tell you how nice that feels to have two people who don't owe me anything take time out of their lives just to talk to me about mine. Bambam and Jimin as well call or stop by to check on me. They call themselves my big brothers and since I don't have any siblings I like to pretend along with them. They've staked their claim on me. Rose and I...Well, it's still very complicated. We've talked a little here and there about our issues with each other. She's very firm in her beliefs that my departure will tear her family apart and that I'm making a huge mistake by even contemplating leaving them behind. She's very passionate about her loved ones and for that I can only respect her, but as much as I would like to sit here and tell her that my staying will solve my inner struggles, I just can't. I've given it a lot of thought and...I know this is the right decision. Rose hates me for it.

We don't speak very often.

Unbelievably my best friend right now is Jisoo. I could barely stand her when we first met and now it seems she's the first one I call when I need someone other than Lisa to keep me company. The great thing about Jisoo is, she doesn't hover. If I need her she's there, and if I don't then she goes on with her life. I've even formed a small relationship with her friend Nancy. That girl is a trip let me tell you. When she's not being serious she's the life of the party. Don't think I haven't noticed the way she stares at Lisa when she thinks I'm not looking. I know she likes her...I think they would make a nice couple...

Okay, so I'm lying. As much as I like Nancy, I hate the fact that she's everything I'll never be. Tall, blonde, beautiful, and rich. I envy her, really. She can have anyone she wants, and she wants my Lisa... Can I blame her? No.

Lisa is a great catch. She's everything a woman could want and so much more...

The more I think of her and this situation as a whole, the more depressed I become. Since Thanksgiving things between us have been stressed at best, like with Rose, except I'm around her 24/7 and I have to see the constant anguish in her eyes each time she looks at me. I can admire that she's trying to stay strong not only for herself, but for me as she knows something is seriously wrong, and it pains me to be the cause of it. All she has ever asked of me is to let her in...Tell her my secrets, my fears, what's bothering me in general. I thought I was doing that but its never enough. I've warred with these issues since I've been here and it hasn't gotten any easier...I just, I don't want her to know everything about me and she doesn't understand that. And if I'm being perfectly honest it's none of her business. She hasn't exactly been forthcoming with her issues either so I don't understand why she feels the need to shoulder mine. I need help, plain and simple...The kind she won't be able to give me.