Realize (COMPLETED)

26.

JK

Damn hormones!

Damn my uterus for betraying me!

It wasn't supposed to happen this way—none of it. Lisa and Rose weren't supposed to be by my side. Krystal, Caleb and Jisoo weren't supposed to be there coaching me on...I wasn't supposed to deliver my baby in a fucking bathtub!

I was supposed to be in the hospital surrounded by doctors and drugs and people who couldn't give a fuck about me...Not here in Lisa's home, surrounded by her family. The same people who accept me and continue to support me when it's so obvious that I don't deserve it. Hell, look at what I've done...I've ruined their Christmas. No one has expressed to me that I did such a thing, I mean I couldn't help that I went in to labor, but I also can't help feeling that I put a damper on their holiday.

The hardest thing is being so close to my daughter and the emotions that come along with it. I haven't held her outside of breast feeding. A part of me feels horrible that I can't bring myself to bond with her like a mother should—I think it hurts worse that everyone is so happy about her finally being here...and I can't celebrate with them.

The first time Lisa brought her to me she asked me if I could breastfeed her. I wanted to turn them away. I realized that until this storm passed I had no choice. I couldn't let her starve. Krystal helped me, showing me what to do. I didn't look at her at all that first time. The second time I was a little less tense. I didn't need coaching and Krystal left me alone to feed the baby in peace. It was weird, I hadn't been alone with her and I felt I would hurt her in some way. And then I took a chance and looked at her...Really looked at her. Her hair is jet black and curly, her skin light but with a hint of color, from the darkness of her ears I can tell she'll potentially grow darker. She slept the whole time and for that I was grateful. I didn't know if I could take looking into her eyes.

The next few times I fed her I was more at ease. I ran my fingers through her soft hair and noted the subtle changes in her from the previous times I saw her over the hours. There's no doubt, she's a doll. How could I have ever hated someone so pure, so perfect? Before Krystal came back to take her away I inspected her body. I counted all of her fingers and toes just to make sure everything was in its rightful place. I noticed she had a small birthmark on her right hip...I have one there also.

She whimpered and opened her eyes as I swaddled her. Her blue orbs stared up at me in wonder. How was I supposed to feel? My child was a stranger to me...I can't look at her without wanting to cry, and not in happiness. In complete anguish. I really fucked up and I'm paying for it now.

Krystal collected the baby. "Are you sure you don't want to keep her in here with you?"

"No," I shake my head, "Please take her." She left me alone.

Rose peeked in and when she saw that I was awake she came to lay down with me in bed. "Hey beautiful. How are you feeling?"

"Like a peach." I mumble.

"You look better. Can I get you anything? Food, something to drink?"

"I don't think I would be able to keep anything down. I actually really want to take a shower. Can you help me to the bathroom?"

"Sure."

She was more than happy to help me into the bathroom. I was still very sore, but honestly it's not as bad as I thought it would be. My vagina will be out of commission for a while.

The hot water beat down on my skin—It doesn't help to calm me.

What am I going to do?

I didn't realize I was crying until Rose was helping me out of the shower. She helped me get situated then put me back in bed. I noticed she had changed the sheets and pillowcases.