Realize (COMPLETED)

23.

JK

We're going too fast...

Never thought those words would come out of my mouth. Almost without warning things changed and we began this sudden passionate relationship that I never considered a possibility. Now, whenever I look into her eyes they're filled with so much happiness and...Love. That word scares the shit out of me.

We've been getting along so well and it should have been this way from the start.

...So why do I feel like shit?

I wanted this right?

I wanted to fall asleep in her arms every night...I wanted to kiss her...I wanted it all. I should have stopped it but it was happening so fast, and oh how my body craved her. A week has passed and to sum it up, it's been amazing. I think we've christened every inch of this house from top to bottom. Just when my vagina needs a rest she gives me this sexy lopsided smirk and I'm all hot and bothered again. I'm addicted to her and that giant she carries around in her pants. We just can't keep our hands off of each other no matter how hard we try. When she's inside me nothing can compare. It's incredible. So soft and sweet, so full; she's attentive to my needs and I knew from the start that this was far from fucking, she makes love to me.

I'm used to fucking as I've been the giver and receiver of such for much of my life. I've questioned myself if this is all some hallucination and I'm imagining that there's a difference between what I've experienced with other men, and what I'm experiencing with Lisa. The conclusion is, there's a huge difference.

To explain it I would have to describe the look in her eyes as she thrusts inside of me. The way she holds me in her strong arms, kissing and caressing my skin, making me believe that I'm as beautiful as she describes into my ear all the while taking my body to greater heights.

It's similar to an out of body experience. Pleasure beyond my wildest dreams...Yet my heart hurts each time. I care about her so much...But I know I can't give her what she needs.

I'm a victim of my past, a prisoner of the present, but only I can be the savior of my future.

I shouldn't be afraid but the fact that I am makes it all the more real to me. Lisa has said she can see a change in me, the most significant being that I no longer cry in my sleep, and it might have something to do with the change in our relationship. I smile and agree with her, but only I know the truth. The nightmares are still there. My memories still haunt me. Lately my nightmares about my mother have gotten worse. Some involve the memories of her cruelty in my younger years, but the others involve her making visits to my bedroom now. She's a constant reminder of the things I will never be able to escape. No matter how much I pretend that everything is okay, she wants me to know that I can run, but I can't hide from the truth.

It figures she would torment me even in death. Evil like that never dies.

If Lisa saw just how vulnerable I really am she would go above and beyond to try to fix it. I don't want her to worry about me anymore. It's hard, because I want to be able to open up and tell her how I'm feeling. She wants to know about every part of my life, the good and the bad. She knows the finer details and to me that's all she should know. I'm tainted beyond repair, and if I told her everything it would be like giving her the ammunition to completely break me. She'd have more power than anyone...I know Lisa wouldn't intentionally hurt me, but I won't take any chances. She's better off staying in the dark.

A sudden nudge to my ribs caught me by surprise. I press down on the spot to coax the little foot back down to where it should be. She's becoming more active each day and it's doing a number on my poor, overstretched body. It's tough being eight months pregnant. I could sit here and whine about my lower back and swollen ankles, but I won't. It's bearable only because Lisa is there to rub away the aches and pains.