Realize (COMPLETED)

30.

LM

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl named Ella. She was the most special girl in the world, and her mommy loved her so much..."

I lay my lips against soft skin and sniff curly jet black hair. Sweet, like a baby is supposed to smell. To explain the level of joy I feel coursing through my veins with each moment spent watching this perfect being grow before my eyes, it just can't be explained.

Ella Ruby Jane Manoban.

Sounds good doesn't it?

Well, I think so.

The process of getting Ella back into our custody was no easy feat. For about three weeks the state gave us the run around claiming that if the baby were to be in my parent's custody, there were stipulations we had to adhere to. One being she would have to be in their care; so that meant I couldn't take her home with me. Until my daughter was back in her rightful place I worked hard in the process to make sure I had done everything I could possibly do.

I'd been before the judge to plead my case. I think he saw how much I loved Ella so he took pity on me, and it didn't hurt that I told him that Jennie had been living with me and we were romantically involved. I explained how she wanted my family to take the baby.

So finally, after much crying and praying my parents were granted temporary custody until the adoption proceedings started. My mother and father are excited to have her in their home since they love her as much as I do, but ultimately they're allowing me to make decisions because she's my daughter, therefore my responsibility. I went home, packed a suitcase, and returned to my parents where I've been staying and plan to stay for the time being.

I've completed the pre-service and training application, gotten letters of reference, criminal background record checks, so on and so forth. As of this moment I'm still in limbo. But I refuse to be down about it, my daughter is in my arms and that's all I care about right now.

This little girl inspires me to be a better.

A better person.

A better friend.

A better sister, daughter, mother.

Rose, mom, and Jisoo have been a godsend, let me tell you. It's not easy taking care of a baby when you have no prior knowledge. There have been many sleepless nights. During those times is when I think about the absence of Jennie the most.

I won't say that her leaving didn't devastate me...In fact it crippled me. Ella took most of the ache away but at night when I'm alone in bed, I can't stop thinking and worrying about her. My fear that she's back out there selling herself is always at the forefront of my thoughts, and then I begin to panic that she's hurt or cold, or sick.

I refuse to believe that because she has survived before, she'll continue down that path in the same way. I'm transported back to the first time I saw her...And how I had to save her life within those few hours. I know there's still so much I don't know about her life because even after how close we became she was still so ashamed of what had happened to her, but was that reason enough to leave me? To leave all of this?

Maybe I'm being selfish because I love her so much and I'm afraid... NO, that can't make me selfish. Maybe I drove her away...Yeah, that has to be it. I drove her to this, because I wanted it all with her without considering her feelings. She told me so many times that this wasn't what she wanted, but I pushed.

I pushed so hard I'm surprised she hadn't left sooner.

She's gone, but on the bright side I have a part of her with me in Ella.