Realize (COMPLETED)

34.

LM

The morning of our scheduled trip to Beaverton I'm in a bad mood and running off of a few hours of sleep. With Ella teething she was up and down all night crying and holding her seemed like the only thing that could calm her enough to sleep. Then there's the issue of Nancy fucking Mcdonie...

Things have been unbearably tense since our fight; since I found out her true motives. What hurt the most was what she said about Ella. My little girl has done nothing wrong and for her to assume that I would love any child that shared my DNA more than Ella just shows the type of person she is. I've given her a month to get out of my house; I wanted to give her a week but I'm trying hard to be realistic... I don't have time to entertain her stupidity, I just want her out of my life forever, and even though I hate her she insists on tagging along on the trip. She'll be sorely ignored – no one wants her to come and the only reason why I can't leave her behind is because of mom and dad, that's it. I want nothing more to do with the woman.

I'm putting the last of my things into the car when I see Nancy coming out of the house carrying Ella in her car seat. Irrational anger bubbles up inside of me and I'm stomping toward her. I try not to snatch the handle away from her but it still takes her by surprise. I look down at Ella to make sure she's in happy baby spirits, which she is, and strap her into the car myself. If she had even one tear in her big brown eyes all hell would break loose on Nancy's head.

"You have to stop this Lisa! I'm not going to hurt her." Nancy pouted from the passenger seat.

"I don't trust you. I really wish you wouldn't touch her at all." I start up the car.

"You act like I'm going to strangle her. I love Ella like she was my own, I would never do anything to her!"

I turn to her to make myself abundantly clear, "Stop while you're ahead Nancy. I know how you really feel about my daughter and as far as I'm concerned I don't want you to even look at her. Stay away from us on this trip and when we get back I expect you out of my house."

She failed to keep her emotions in check, once the sniffling started I knew it wouldn't stop. I realize I'm being a total asshole to Nancy out of spite because of what she was trying to do, but I feel that my hate for her runs deeper than that...It's developed into not caring that I'm being a jerk anymore. It says a lot about Nancy's character in that she takes my anger and truly believes that she can change me, take all of my pain away. Doesn't she get it? I'll never be whole again.

All of these months and I still can't get over Jennie's absence. I dream about her more often than I care to admit, though the dreams are more like memories; small things that didn't seem important when they happened have become all I can think about now.

What kind of existence is this?

I pull up to my parents' home to see my father and Jisoo loading up Bambam's obnoxious Hummer. Mom follows Rose out of the house carrying grocery bags full of food for the road, and believe me with Bambam the human garbage disposal, all of the food will be gone by the time we make it to our first stop. It takes about 15 hours to get to Beaverton from LA, so we make several stops and stay overnight at a hotel when we get too tired to drive. Normally my entire family rides together but since I have Ella and Nancy I chose to drive instead. I think that is the better option, to keep the peace.

"ROADTRIP!"

"Bam you thirty-three year old man child, calm down!" Jisoo slapped her husband in the arm.

I tell Nancy to stay in the car but I grab Ella out of her car seat and bring her with me. She's happy to be out and as soon as she sees her Nana Krystal she starts clapping and talking away.