Realize (COMPLETED)

39.

JK

I looked into eyes that resembled mine, a touch lighter in comparison but familiar... Wild curly black hair set against olive skin, momentarily bringing Lucas to mind. Slowly I push myself up so that I can see her clearly, to completely lay my eyes on my daughter. She's not standing too close but having her here right in front of me has me paralyzed me with fear. She's staring at me just as I'm staring at her—I don't know what she wants, if she wants anything at all and oh crap, what if she starts crying.

"Up." She spoke in a gentle tone raising her arms up over her head. Her voice was lovely, lilting, and soft... Wait Up? What does that mean?

My heart is racing and my palms are sweating...where is Lisa?

"Up mommy, up!" She's getting impatient as I hesitate. I'm as stiff as a board because at any moment she could start screaming, and then Lisa will run in and yell at me for whatever I've done wrong... I would have absolutely no idea as to how I could defend myself.

"Mommy!" Her big brown eyes are filling with tears and I really start to panic.

What can I do? Is there anything I CAN do?

"What...what do you want Ella?" Lisa says she can communicate pretty well, and from the little I have heard I'm sure she understands.

She points her little finger toward me and bounces on her feet impatiently.

"You want me?"

She's nodding and pointing. "Mommy up!"

It hits me then and I could slap myself for being stupid. She wants me to pick her up...

...Why is the concept of holding her so frightening?

"Um, where is your daddy?"

Look at me, I can't find the courage to touch her let alone hold her. I mean what if I do it wrong?...I've only held her a handful of times and that was when she was first born. She's a little person now with teeth and a personality. I've never been in her life and yet she's calling me mommy and wanting me to hold her...I look down into her wide pleading eyes and find I can't resist her when she looks so sad. I go off instinct and reach for her, helping her to climb in my lap. I'm holding on to her little body so she won't fall, but suddenly she flings her arms around my neck and holds me tight.

At first I'm struck with anxiety; do I hold her tighter? I don't want to hurt her. What if she's sick and she needs something? When I don't feel her letting go, I relax enough to hug her into my chest. I can feel her heartbeat calmly thumping against her ribs and her steady intakes of breath, and the realization that she's not afraid of me, that she's comfortable in my arms has me flying toward the inevitable tear gate. I'm seconds away from bursting out in sobs when her sweet voice brings me back. "Hungry mommy. Cereals!" She points to the kitchen and I calm myself down enough to understand what she wants.

She's heavy, but not so much that I can't carry her on my hip. I've lost some weight, my frame more petite than I can remember it being in years so I'm a little weak, no muscle tone. With work and school I don't have the time to pig out, and being pregnant isn't an excuse I can use anymore for stuffing my face.

There's only one box of cereal on the counter and when she sees it she becomes so excited. "Pebbles!"

Her smile is infectious and her excitement for Fruity Pebbles is endearing, and does nothing to stop me from melting into a blubbering mess. I try to keep my emotions in check as I balance her on my hip and pour some cereal into a bowl. I don't know if she wants milk or not so I ask her by opening the refrigerator and pointing to the white liquid.