Realize (COMPLETED)

37.

JK

My eyes snapped open from another nightmare, shifting nervously around my bedroom before I sucked in a deep breath. Sitting up I cover my face with my palms, trying to relax and slow my heartbeat. I glance at the clock and want to throw it against the wall. I've been tossing and turning since I forced myself into bed around midnight and now I've only managed four hours of sleep. Between the nightmares and thoughts of Lisa I don't want to close my eyes anymore for fear of what may come next.

So, I call Sara.

She says she'll be here in fifteen minutes so I get out of bed and head downstairs to unlock the door and grab some blankets and pillows from the hall closet for the couch. I hear her come in as I was in the kitchen making tea. I bring her a cup too and find her buried beneath the blankets I'd brought out.

"Come on," she opened the comforter, "Lay down. What's going on?" I snuggle in beside her and she lets me rest my head on her chest.

I tell her everything about Lucas, the baby, and Lisa. She runs her fingers through my hair when I start crying, but I don't stop. I tell her things about my past that I've never told anyone, and my fears of failing now that I've found that I can be so much more than a prostitute. I finish with telling her about visiting the Manoban's and how nervous I am.

"I agreed! Why did I agree?"

"You knew you would have to face them sometime." She yawned.

"Not like this!"

"Well, you can still cancel. But I think you should go clear the air." She shifted beside me pulling me to look at her. It's kind of creepy, like looking at myself in the mirror.

"There's no clearing the air. What I've done I can't take back, and I know they're going to crucify me for it." I convey to her, knowing this was not a good idea. "Her family is tight knit...Fuck over one; you've fucked over them all." I throw my hands in the air, defeated at the prospect of being eaten alive.

"Calm down. Just relax. Nothing bad will happen unless you allow it." Her fingers slipped through my hair again, cutting off my tantrum. I close my eyes and do as she says.

"Come with me? I told Lisa I wouldn't come alone."

"I would but I have to work. Remember, I'm picking up your shift."

"Damn it." I had forgotten.

Why did I say yes?

I'm not ready to face them. I wasn't ready to face Lisa and look where that got me. One of the most amazing kisses and she had my mind scrambled up; agreeing to shit I don't want to do. It's necessary, I get it, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Sara being here, holding me and chasing away my fears is enough to put me to sleep.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

...I just want to be fucking normal.

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I'm up again around noon. I cooked Sara and my dad breakfast which they greatly appreciated. My breakfast casserole was a hit and dad made sure to wrap some up for Seunghyn. After cleaning up I head upstairs to get ready. I take my time in the shower, thinking and re-thinking about the things I wanted to say to them if given the opportunity. I figure the only one I will have a real problem with is Rose, but I can handle her. It's Caleb and Krystal that I am more afraid of. If there's one thing I do know, its that parents never want to see their child in pain. I deserve whatever they feel toward me.