Realize (COMPLETED)

12.

JK

Why the hell am I crying?

Fuck it...I know why I'm crying. It isn't enough that I got myself into this shit in the first place, but knowing that I have single handedly fucked this kid up is...overwhelming. See, this is exactly why I didn't want to go to the doctor. I knew that nothing good would come out of it, but noooooo, Asshole insisted and now look at me, I'm a fucking mess. There are too many emotions coursing through me now and I can't handle all of them at once. I feel terrible for what I've done to my- I mean this baby, and the emotions that come with it are tearing me down. I'm stuck in my head again. I can hear Dam-bi's voice loud and clear, telling me how worthless and disgusting I am. You know what, she's absolutely right.

I'm a fuck up.

I've always been a fuck up.

Now I have to live with fucking up my...My baby.

I told myself the minute I found out I was pregnant that there was no way in hell I could consider being responsible for another life. I still feel that way now even after knowing what I've done, how I've messed up the baby's life before it could even take its first breath. I'm no better than Dam-bi...And that's why I can't be a mother.

Sleep doesn't come easy. Even if I were to slip into unconsciousness, I'm sure I would have unsettling dreams about today – So lying in bed and staring out of the window will have to do. Lisa brought me lunch a few hours later; a turkey sandwich and salad with a tall glass of lemonade. She sat with me for a while but didn't speak much. We were as silent as usual.

She opened the window at my request that allowed a nice breeze to filter into the stuffy room. Soon fall will be here so I must enjoy all this fresh summer air while it's still here. Just thinking about the cold makes me cringe. I never look forward to the winter months being out on the street. Hey, prostitutes don't have the luxury of calling off work because it's too cold. You have to sacrifice yourself in order to get what you need. The unfortunate thing is that not too many men are looking for pussy in below zero weather; unless it's a crack head wanting to get his rocks off and in that case I try not to fuck with those bastards unless I'm desperate. A few bad experiences with them wanting to pay me in change, and even stealing my money as I'm going down on them finally made me realize that they can't be trusted.

That's why I collect money first, suck and fuck later.

Guess I won't have to worry about freezing my ass of this year, huh? Between Lisa the hover-er and the gut of doom, I won't be doing much of anything for a while.

She left me alone as soon as I finished my food and I tried to relax as much as possible without thinking too much. I sing the happy songs Gran taught me as a little girl that are supposed to keep the bad dreams away. It only works for a little while and soon the dark images start to squeeze into my thoughts. I try so hard to keep them away.

I'm out maybe ten minutes before the familiar pitter-patter of heels coming up the stairs woke me. Fuck these wooden floors and those fucking wooden steps because you can hear every creek, crack, and clatter when someone is walking, or running in this case. The door swings open and in walks the annoying little possum.

"Hey Rolley-Polley. How's my little mommy doing today?"

Ugh! Can she be any more chipper? It's sickening.

"What the fuck do you want twinkle toes?" Graceful in her moves, Rose removes her purse from her shoulder and her stilettos from her feet, dropping them all to the ground and hopping right into bed beside me, buzzing with excitement.

"Do I have to have a reason to come see my favorite mommy-to-be?" She smiles, batting her eyelashes. She knows these names of hers get under my skin.