Realize (COMPLETED)

12.

Jennie

Sleep doesn't come easily. Even if I managed to drift off, I'm sure unsettling dreams about today would haunt me. So I lie in bed, staring out the window. Lisa brought me lunch: a turkey sandwich, a salad, and a tall glass of lemonade. She sat with me for a while, but we didn't say much—just the usual silence.

At my request, she opened the window, letting in a nice breeze that relieved the stuffy room. Fall is just around the corner, so I need to soak up this fresh summer air while I can. The thought of the cold makes me cringe. I never look forward to winter on the streets—not that it's ever freezing in Southern California, but it can drop into the 40s, which isn't fun when you're ass is hanging out. Prostitutes can't just call off work because it's too cold; you have to sacrifice to get what you need. Unfortunately, not many men are looking for a quick fuck in cold ass weather, unless it's some desperate crackhead, and I try to avoid them unless I'm really down bad. I've had my share of experiences with guys who wanted to pay me in change—or worse, stole from me—its taught me that they can't be trusted.

That's why I collect money first, suck and fuck later. Guess I won't have to worry about freezing my ass of this year, huh? Between Lisa the hover-er and the baby gut of doom, I won't be doing much of anything for a while.

Lisa left me alone as soon as I finished my food, and I tried to relax without overthinking things. I hum the cheerful songs Gran taught me as a little girl—the ones she used to sing to keep the bad dreams at bay. It only works for a little while before the dark images start creeping into my thoughts. I fight so hard to keep them away.

I let the tears flow again. I allowed myself to cry a little when we got back home, but then I told myself to toughen up—there's no point in crying when you feel indifferent. So why the hell am I crying now?

The moment I found out I was pregnant, I told myself there was no way I would take responsibility for another life. That feeling hasn't changed, even after realizing how I've already messed up the baby's life before it's even had a chance. I'm no better than Nara... and that's why I'll never be a mother.

No matter how hard I try to block it out, I can't stop thinking about what the doctor told me. It isn't enough that I got myself into this shit situation in the first place, but knowing that I have single handedly fucked this kid up is...overwhelming me. This is exactly why I didn't want to go to the doctor. I knew that nothing good would come out of it, but noooooo, Asshole insisted and now look at me, I'm a fucking mess. There are too many emotions coursing through me now and I can't handle all of them at once. I feel terrible for what I've done to my- I mean this baby, and the emotions that come with it are tearing me apart. I'm stuck in my head again. I can hear Nara's voice loud and clear, telling me how worthless and disgusting I am. She's right.

I'm a fuck up.

I've always been a fuck up.

Now I have to live with fucking up my...My baby.

The familiar sound of heels clicking on the stairs jolts me awake. On these wooden floors and steps, every creak and clatter echoes loudly when someone walks—or, in this case, runs. The door swings open, and in strides the new bane of my existence.

"Hey, Rolley-Polley! How's my little mommy doing today?" Ugh! Can she be any more cheerful? It's nauseating.

"What the fuck do you want twinkle toes?"