Realize (COMPLETED)

2.

JK

The streetlights do very little to illuminate my path as I walk in the direction of the shitty motel that has been my home for the past few months. It may royally suck ass, but it's ten times better than staying in an overcrowded homeless shelter. I don't care how many dicks I have to suck, I'm never going back to a shelter. I would rather sleep out on the sidewalk with a cardboard box cover. You have absolutely no privacy in those places. People want to know your story and don't respect the idea of personal space. They smile in your face but the moment you turn your back they steal your shit.

I like to lay low.

If no one knows me then it's easier to skip out unnoticed. Over the years I've mastered the disappearing act pretty well. It comes in handy when you're running from the cops, or sneaking out of a john's house so he won't notice that I've taken more money than we originally agreed on. It's not my fault these assholes leave their wallets out. I see it as I have provided them a service and if they're stupid enough to leave money out, well, why not take a little more.

Oh, if only a cab would magically appear to sweep me off my aching feet. You can't find too many in this area at two o'clock in the morning. If you do then they're probably picking up drugs, and I'm not dealing with that shit tonight. This is exactly why I hate the quiet. When I'm fucking at least I have something to focus my attention on. It's so dark on this block, but at least in the darkness no one can see me. I can blend in and become invisible. But, in the quiet I start to think about shit, remember the times of the horrible life I once lived. I try to focus on the click clack of my heels and the screaming pain in my feet...It's not enough. I can literally see it right before my eyes.

Whenever things were quiet, the monsters came out to play. They opened my bedroom door when they thought I was sleeping at night. Hiding in the shadows, just waiting to grab me and make me scream.

"Hold her down boy. I'll go first."

"But you said I could go first this time."

"Do what I say! We have to hurry up, Dam-bi will be home soon."

"That crazy bitch will want to watch."

WHACK!

"Don't talk about your mother like that! Now do as I say and hold her down! I'm not in the mood for her screaming tonight."

I'm on my stomach, this way they don't see my face. Hands push my head and shoulders down further into the mattress. I struggle, but really it's hopeless. They'll have their way with my body before mother gets home, and maybe even while she's here. She'll stand at the door and watch, puffing on a cigarette and drinking from a whiskey bottle. I can't cry out to her...She'll only turn away.

I hate her!

"Be a good girl Jennie and make your daddy and brother feel good."

"No, no, no, NO! Let me go! LET ME GO! IT HURTS, PLEASE IT HURTS!"

"SHUT HER UP BOBBY!"

He clamped a hand over my mouth.

"Take it. Take it like the little slut that you are!"

I finally snap out of my panic attack and look around. I have no idea where I am, I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere when I was stuck in my memories. I feel something wet on my face, its tears and they are pouring from my eyes. My body is tense with fear, my breathing is uneven. My feet are no longer carrying me down the street, but have planted themselves on the dirty sidewalk. I've been standing here for I don't know how long...Fuck. I need to keep going. If I allow my mind to revisit that dark place I will never make it home.