The Illuminant

Chapter 29

"He what?"

"He told me he loved me." I run my hand through my tousled hair in frustration.

"When, where, how?" She screeches and I push a lock of my straight hair behind my ear and inhale deeply so as to get rid of the huge lump in my throat.

"He took me…to the Brooklyn garden on Saturday and towards the end of the day, he said he still had somewhere he wanted to show me…like his secret hide out or something, where he goes often to be alone, and I thought it was really sweet. It was a river hidden by many beautiful trees. Oh Tomi…it was so romantic, I couldn't believe my eyes. It was like a scene right from a fairytale book. There was also a garden bridge that went over a little stream that flowed into the river and we went on it." I reminisced.
"I remembered I hadn't thanked him for all he had done and so I did, then we hugged. It was so different, I felt like we could stay like that forever. Then, he told me he loved me." I sniff.

"So what did you do?"

"I did nothing at first becuase I was so… shocked and then I told him we couldn't be. He looked so disappointed and I couldn't take it so I left and took a bus home. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." I sigh and fight the tears that are threatening to spill.

"Did you meet at church?"

"No, I told him not to pick me up and so I went alone. I made sure we didn't bump into each other and left immediately the service was over so as not to run into him."

"Why did you do it?"

"I don't know, I just feel so confused right now. It all happened so fast; I've pushed him away." I pull the box of Kleenex I put beside my bed closer because I don't feel I can hold on much longer.

"Maya."

"I don't know if he'll ever want to speak to me again. I've ruined everything Tomi." I sniff.

"Maya!" She raises her voice up a notch and succeeds in bringing an aburpt halt to my rambling.
I'm sure she senses that she has caught my attention so she continues.

"Do you love him?" A long silence hovers between the two of us and I shut my eyes knowing I'd have to tell the truth now that she's asked.

"Yes......yes Tomi." I sigh as  the tear finally escapes my eyes and drops to my lap.

"Then why…I don't understand." Her voice is full of concern and I shut my eyes trying to gather my emotions enough to speak.

"I was scared okay? I've never been in love before and what I feel when I'm around him, I can't explain Tomi. I didn't expect to but I did. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to meet his standards so I left before it could become too late. I wasn't prepared; now I've lost my only chance. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing." I sniff.

"Look Maya, a relationship is supposed to be for both parties to help each other. You're better because of him, he's better because of you; that's what it is, not standards. You both help each other to fulfill destiny! It's okay for someone to feel he needs fixing but after some time, you have to drop the feeling because it's just a feeling, not truth.
Remember, the Holy Spirit came to live in you. His presence in you makes you perfect, you don't need fixing anymore; you're as perfect as you could ever be. All you need to do is grow in the word and become familiar with who he has made you! That's where you need each other." She pauses and I blink back tears.

"I hear you talk about him and I know you two are for each other. I just know it, but you also have to know it for yourself Maya! It's time to stop running away from anything that poses a challenge and take your stand. Don't lose what God has given you because of fear. If God gave him to you, he knew you could handle it!"