I Wish I Could Say It Was a Mistake

Chapter 12: Even my phone misses your call

I spend the rest of the afternoon staring at Helena's empty chair and fighting myself not to think about what they might be doing. Part of me really hates my guts for having stayed at work, but the rest of me knows that I can't let my feelings get in the way. Harry's only playing with me and I definitely deserve better than being someone's touch and go.

Hours go by and I finally get home. As I walk in, Emma's sitting in the kitchen table sipping on a bowl of soup.

"Hey."

"Hi. There's more soup if you want some.", she offers.

Something inside me lightens up. Has she finally forgiven me? It's been a long time since we last had a conversation outside work. I serve myself a bowl and sit next to her.

"So, what do you think? Are you enjoying working for Mr. Furt?", I ask.

Emma looks up from her bowl and frowns.

"It's a bit stressful."

"I know..."

"Well, it's harder when no one offers you the afternoon off."

I drop my spoon and watch as she continues sipping as if she hadn't just touched a weak spot.

"Was that a dig?"

"Huh?", she pretends.

"Emma.", I say and look at her with a serious look. "You know I refused to go."

"Whatever."

I stand up, grab my bowl and leave the room. I've got enough on my plate to deal with her childish behaviour.

That night I really struggle to fall asleep. I feel extremely tired but I can't stop thinking about Harry. Why am I feeling like this? I don't even know him that much. We only spent one night together, from which I can't remember a thing, had lunch at work one day and had what I thought was one date. It's not like we've known each other for months.

 I've never felt this way. Am I jealous? It feels like more than that, like I'm starting to catch feelings and that really scares me. With him, it's always been very different from everything I'm used to. Could that be why I'm feeling this way? Maybe I just enjoyed having someone that looked like he actually cared about me.

As the clock hits midnight I receive a notification on my phone. Harry Styles has posted a video on YouTube. Right, the new single. Why do I have his notifications on? I don't remember ever turning them on.

It's called Lights Up. The image shown is of Harry naked, surrounded by other naked men and women. With a sudden rush of curiosity, I click on the video.

Wow. Just wow. I have to rewatch it a couple of times to fully take it in. The song is absolutely amazing. He's got a great voice and the video esthetics are incredible.  Watching his naked chest makes me recall the morning I woke up next to him. I really thought that was going to be the last I'd ever see of him.

As the song ends for the fifth time, I get the urge to listen to more of his songs. I can't believe I've never listened to him before. He's really worth it. First, I listen to Sweet Creature. Then, Kiwi. Wow, he can really do anything. I continue listening to Two Ghosts, Meet Me in the Hallway and Ever Since New York, and I wonder who is he talking about. It really looks like he's gone through tough times.

One particular song catches my attention. As From the Dining Table starts playing, I immediately feel my eyes watering. It's as if it was written for me at this specific moment.

'Even my phone misses your call by the way'. Accurate.

As the chorus starts playing, I burst into tears. The words 'Maybe one day you'll call me and tell me that you're sorry too.' coming out of Harry's mouth feel like daggers in my heart right now.

I'm so angry at myself. Why didn't I see this coming? I was such a fool for thinking that Harry Styles, probably the most perfect guy in the world, could be interested in someone like me. I never should've let my guard down. I never should've let him walk into my heart just as if he already owned it. I never should've...

Tears keep streaming down my face. Even though I really try to find reasons, I can't get myself to hate him. His stupid charming smile and his crazy sexy hair won't leave my mind, just as his deep relaxed voice, or his almond-shaped green eyes. I wish I could say it was a mistake. I wish I regretted having spent that night with him. But I don't. I'm grateful for those moments. I was very lucky to have spent them with him, and now I must accept that it's over. It's just... God, if only Helena hadn't gotten in the way...