I Wish I Could Say It Was a Mistake

Chapter 40: We don't say what we really mean

"Tell me. We can work it out."

Harry's still staring at me with those big green eyes. What am I supposed to tell him? How can I explain what's bothering me?

"It's just...", I begin, "You're going on tour, right?". Harry nods, so I continue, "Isn't it going to be a bit complicated... for us?"

Harry frowns and rests his head on his hand, "I knew this would come up sooner or later."

What does that mean? I need ANSWERS. How are we going to do it?

He leans back again and rearranges his hair. Then, he starts playing with his rings nervously.

"I would never want you to come with me on tour."

Wait, what?

"Why?"

"You heard Liam, touring is a nightmare. Plus, you're doing so well over here. I couldn't take that away from you."

"Alright, first of all," I state, in a tone a bit more aggressive than what I was planning on, "I'll do what I want, and only what I want."

"Yes, of course.", he tries to fix.

"And second of all,", I continue, "you're right. I've got a job here. I can't just disappear overnight."

"That's exactly what I just said."

"What do you want though?", I ask, and Harry lifts an eyebrow, surprised.

"I want to be with you, of course. But you've got to understand that my life is complicated."

"So you don't want me to go on tour with you?"

"What's up with you today, Layla?"

He brushes his hair back again and turns towards me, still waiting for an answer. 

I roll my eyes, "Nothing is up. I just think we should talk about this and not ignore the fact that it's going to happen."

"I'm not ignoring it."

"Well, you're not trying very hard to find a solution."

"A solution? What do you want from me? You want me to cancel my tour for you?"

"No! Of course not!"

"Then why are you making this into such a big deal?", he shouts, and stands up.

I stand up too and say, "It is a big deal!"

"No, it's not. At least not for now."

"Not for now?", I repeat, "Oh, so you want to wait until we're at the airport saying goodbye to think about this?"

"Oh for f*cks sake.", he mumbles and covers his face with his hands.

"Or maybe you're just planning on dumping me before that."

"Yes, Layla. That's exactly what I'm planning.", he says, ironically. I stare at him blankly until he continues, "Alright, let's talk about it if that's what you need."

"What I need? You're joking, right?"

"Huh?"

I roll my eyes. I can't believe he doesn't want to talk about this. For me, it's something very important. I mean, he's literally going away for almost a year in less than two months.

"Layla, we've literally been dating for a week and you're already talking about all these things which are way in the future: making ourselves public, going together on tour... It's a bit too much right now. I barely know what I'll be doing tomorrow."

"I just need to know where I'm getting myself into."

"Is this what it's all about?"

"Yes! I don't want to continue with this if you're going to dump me when you leave."

"Oh, I don't have time for this."

Harry turns around and grabs his phone, wallet, and keys from the table.

"So you're just going to leave?"

"Well, what do you want me to do? Apparently all I've done for you has proved nothing to you because you still think that I would dump you just because I'm going on tour."

"It's a pretty good reason."

"I'm not going to dump you, Layla! But if you can't get that inside of your head, there's nothing for me to do here."

We stare blankly at each other for a few seconds. I don't know what to say. 

I still think we should start talking about the future. Yes, we've been dating for a very short time, but our history goes way back. I still don't understand why he would want to be with me, especially in a long-distance relationship in which we barely see each other. He'd probably find someone else along the road and replace me in a matter of days.

"Why are you with me?", I whisper, finally.

"Seriously?", Harry frowns. 

I don't answer, so he turns around and walks towards the front door

"I told you that I wanted this, us.", he answers, "For f*ck's sake, I asked you out not even an hour ago. What else do you need me to do?"

I maintain my gaze on the floor as I try to pull myself together.

"I just had to know what you wanted to do once you left.", I say.

"Well, now you know. I want to be with you. I don't have a single doubt.", I look him in the eye and he shakes his head, "Maybe you're the one that's having doubts."

"Me?"

Harry nods and bites his lip, as if he was about to say something horrible.

"Maybe you're the one that doesn't see a future for us.", he says.

I don't answer. I wasn't expecting this comeback.

Harry stares at me for a few seconds, but, because I don't answer he nods, forces a smile and walks out of my house.

I watch him get in his car and drive away.

Then, I let myself fall on the sofa and cover my face with a pillow. Good job not causing a scene and doing things right, Layla. Really good job.

What if he's right? What if I'm the one who can't see a future for us?

Maybe I don't trust him after all. Maybe I lost my only chance to be with him that night with Niall. Maybe now we're only two ghosts standing in the place of him and me, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat. Maybe there's no point in trying to work this out.

But, regardless of all these thoughts, there's only one thing I know for sure: I want Harry. I want him with all my heart. I want to hug him, kiss him and just be with him. I want him.