Flourish \\ Sequel to Not a Hollywood Whore | MGK

~Soothe~

I poured milk in the bottle giving it to him and he didn't want it. He wasn't wet so he didn't need to be changed. I craddled him and started swaying.

Mateo:mommy  sing

Me:*smiles* Watchu want me to sing

Mateo:dad

Me:*smiles*And if I must go, and fly away And kiss my baby girl goodnight And if this really is goodbye Then let's set the city on fire Can you take me higher Now, can you take me higher Can you take me higher Can you take me higher If I must go, die at 27 Then at least I know I died a legend Will you roll and ride like we're together And keep the vibe alive forever Keep the vibe alive forever If I must go, die at 27 Then at least I know I died a legend Will you roll and ride like we're together And keep the vibe alive forever Keep the vibe alive forever

When I finished tell me why my baby asleep he a slick mofo. 

Colson:He been waking up every night almost like he knows your not home

Me:dat make me so sad

I said carresing my babys cheek. 

Me:You think he's gonna remember this?

Colson:No dont sweat it all he's gonna remember is the moments your here

Me:*smiles* Okay

We went up to his room and I put Mateo in the basinet and I got in bed with cols. He was on his phone and I started writing in my journal. 

"I hate that feeling. That feeling when you are sad but you have no idea why. You feel so f**king empty, but nothing in particular happened. They ask you what's wrong, but you can't explain. Or they dont even ask anything; I don't know which one is worse. It just feels like I miss someone I never met. Like  I need someone who doesn't need me. The loneliness hovers over me; takes control over me. I don't even care. I isolate myself on purpose. Sadness becomes my best and only friend. I start hating myself and I want everybody to leave me alone. At the same time, I want someone to hug me and to tell me things will be okay. I simply hate this feeling. The feeling when you don't even know what the f**k your feeling."

I could see colson peering over watching my words as I wrote them and it didn't bother me. 

Colson:Whatchu thinking about?

I closed my journal sighing and staring into the air. 

Me:I don't think I've felt more......alone in my life not even after the s**t with my family. Which sounds so messed up cause I'm consistently surrounded by these people and I think these are my friends but then I think they are all on my payroll. Which creates this weird vibe for me and being in this consistent schedule 3 days in each city, where I'm waking up at 8 a.m. to do photoshoots and press and at noon going to rehersal and soundcheck starting the shows around 8 or 9 ending nearly at 1 a.m and partying for 4 f**king hours and everything seems so fun but then its like people are asking for their per diem and because I'm not in the position anymore I dont have the answer and the girls are sad cause they want to see their families  or their fighting with each other then we have to go on stage and pretend everything is happy and amazing and it makes me genuinely happy to see the fans so happy but then we get off stage and reality sets in. If I'm not being pushed into rehersal or sound check, photo shoots and press I'm spend 6 to 9 hours in the studio cause derrick wants me to kick out as much music as possible

Then I stopped taking a breath and looking at him.

Me:I'm sorry I'm rambling

Colson:*smiles* No its fine

Me:and then I think back to when I was your assistant and how many times I pushed  you and thinking about how I'm not there for mateo or casie and  you now makes me feel like a s***ty person

Colson:Your not a s***ty person ki

Me:How do you know

Colson:Cause I know you and how your feeling is normal

I smiled at him

Colson:But I think you should get excited because emo night is in 2 weeks and you are coming

Me:what? In two weeks I'll be in ....in new york

Colson:Well you have an off day  and your coming to l.a I already told megan

Me:*smiles* I love you

Colson:*smiles* I know

The Next Day

I walked out of the house with my bags putting the last of them in the car. The girls were saying goodbye to their boyfriends who were leaving as well. They got in the car and cols came outside, I said goodbye to them which was so hard I wanted to stay we headed to the place where the tour bus was and we got on and headed to Pennsylvania. 

KeishaLove

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KeishaLove I hate saying goodbye 😪😭

~~~

We hit the following places over the course of 2 weeks

-Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

-Pittsburg, Pennslyvania

-Newark, New Jersey

-New york, New York

-Buffalo, New York

On the second day in Buffalo I left getting on a plane to Cali. I got home around 1 p.m little background. Emo night is a party that happens once a month in L.A where a bunch of people who love that genre of music and just partying in general. You go and party and just wild the f**k out. I have never been because its not really my scene but I've always wanted to go. Cols on the other hand goes every f**King time. 

Later

I pulled on the outfit below

I tied a est bandana around my thigh which has lowkey become my trade mark. I did my hair and make up and pulled on my combat boots and we left.