Bloom

When All The Butterflies Died

Aku baru sadar aku gak pernah patah hati.
Sure, I got bad breakups on my teenage days, but it's nothing like this. It wasn't even close to what I feel now.

Aku gak ingat gimana caranya aku pulang. But I got home anyway. Maybe it's Dania and Gerry. Maybe I took the bus.
Maybe I walked hundreds miles from Jakarta.

Because everything hurts. Real broken heart hurts your body and mind, left you hollow and empty, scorched and burnt. It's agony everytime you move. And each tears are made of acids that shattered your soul when your heart is broken.

Sebelumnya aku cuma lihat di film-film romance gimana patheticnya orang patah hati. Carrie Bradshaw on her honeymoon suite alone. Bella Swan watching seasons passed by. Even Daenerys Targaryen jumps into the fire. How people are cried and sleep and stop eating and be stupid.

That's exactly what I want to do.
Aku cuma pengen tiduran, di ruangan gelap, tanpa mesti ngapa-ngapain, ngomong sama siapapun, makan apapun.
At some point I got to take a bath cause I cried too much, my t-shirt is wet with tears, my hair is tangled and I feel like I have to cut it. So I did. Aku potong rambutku sendiri, yang tadinya menyentuh punggung, sekarang punya bagian sebahu, gak rata pula. I cried more after, because it's so ugly.

I kept on crying until I have no tears left. I emptied my tearducts. And I went to sleep. And I wake up and I cry more.

Di hari aku akhirnya bisa bangun, ngecharge handphone dan cuci muka, ada paket di depan pintu. Isinya barang-barangku yang ketinggalan di apartemennya Elio. Aku meninggalkannya di sofa ruang tengah, lalu naik ke kamar.

He really left me.