Wherever You Are

27

Sana's POV:

It had already been a month since Y/n's sudden death. It had been a month of pure anger, loneliness, and depression. Living without him for many years wasn't easy, but knowing that I'll see him again someday, it gave me strength and hope. But now? Now that I know that I won't be able to see him once again, I just lost hope in everything. Eventually, I even lost the passion in the career that I had once loved so much.

"Sana? Are you really sure about your decision?" Jihyo asked me. The other members were asleep, and Jihyo and I were currently alone in the living room of the house that Y/n gave to us. "I'm..." I hesitated about saying that I'm sure, but, "I'm sure," I said it anyway. Right after those words, Jihyo and I heard a slight whimper like someone is trying so hard not to cry.

"Mina," Jihyo said, then she stood up and went to the stairs only to see Mina sitting down on the uppermost step, crying, probably listening to their conversation. "Mina..." Jihyo muttered, then she looked at me and then back at her. "Come here," Jihyo said, then Mina went down and then they went back to sit on the couch near me. Mina looked at me with so much sadness in her beautiful eyes.

"Mina, I..." I paused, once again hesitating. "Are you..." Mina said, then tears fell down from her eyes once again even when she's just halfway through her question, and then I started crying, too. "Why do you have to leave??" Mina asked, bursting in tears. I might have lost hope in this career, but my friends mean a lot to me. But I really need time for myself, and yes, I decided to leave Twice and only Jihyo and Mina knows about it.

I couldn't help but to pull her into a hug just to show how sorry I was, but I needed to leave. "I-I'm sorry, M-Mina!!" I said loudly, but just enough to not wake the others up. Mina wrapped her arms so tightly around me before snuggling her face onto my shoulder. "I thought we were in this together?? Remember?? Back in Sixteen??" Mina said, then tears burst from my eyes once again, becoming unstoppable.

"I remember clearly," I said, then she replied immediately with a question, saying, "Then why do you have to leave?" I looked at Jihyo, then she nodded at me, so I told her why. "I can't perform anymore, Mina. In the state of mind that I'm in. I can't fake my feelings. Y/n's death was... I..." I tried to finish what I had to say, but my emotions were just too strong for me to handle. My body just began to tremble as I sobbed in pain and sadness.

Mina tightened her hug and said, "Please, Sana... are you just gonna bail out on us? We're your friends, Sana. We will be here for you! You know that right??" then she rubbed my back and it made me feel comfort. I just kept on crying my heart out onto her shoulder. I know that they're here for me, but... but I had made my decision. "I'm sorry, Mina," I said in between sobs, then I looked at Jihyo, "and Jihyo," then I pulled away from Mina's arms.

"I already made my decision. Please support me--" I was speaking, but I was cut off when someone spoke from the stairs, saying, "Guys, what's happening here?" when we looked, we saw that it was Momo and Dahyun. "Why are you guys still up?" Jihyo asked, then Dahyun replied, "Momo-unnie woke me up, she wanted me to accompany her to get some water because she watched this scary movie and now she can't go down here on her own."

Jihyo shook her head. "Anyway, let me ask you guys; what are you doing? Why are you still up?" Jihyo and I looked at each other, then at the two. If I told Mina, then maybe I should tell them, too. "Come here, guys. I need to tell you something important," I said, then they insisted on calling Nayeon, Chaeyoung and Tzuyu, and after a minute, they were already with us. Great. Now the whole family is here and everything is ready to be said.

I told them everything. From the fact that I am not happy with performing anymore ever since Y/n passed away, and that I really need time for myself. I feel like I'm gonna die if I hide this from everyone else. I just can't continue smiling anymore. I can't continue laughing. I can't continue on inspiring others with the amount of pain that I'm feeling. I was crying so hard in front of all of them. Sobbing, and I can't even breathe properly.

"Sorry..." I said in between heavy sobs then I kept on wiping my tears. "I'm sorry because..." Nayeon suddenly hugged me. I was shocked, but I kept on talking. "Because I'm not able to..." then Chaeyoung and Dahyun hugged me, followed by Jihyo. "Keep our promise to each other..." Momo hugged me from behind, then Mina did the same. "To say goodbye to our fans together..." Jeongyeon joined in on the big group hug, then Tzuyu followed right after.

Next thing I know, they were all huddled up on me, crying as hard as I was. It was so painful seeing them crying because I was saying my goodbye to them. But I just can't continue anymore. I'm not the Sana that the fans know and love anymore. I changed. I died inside. Not even the girls could bring back the light within my dark and broken heart. I was nothing more but a clump of sadness and brokenness, far from who I was before. I don't know if I can recover.

"I had so much fun with you..." I said to them, then I felt Nayeon burying her face on my shoulder and then letting out a forceful cry. None of them could say a word. Not even a single word. Until Chaeyoung said, "Unnie... would that help you? I mean, leaving." I almost hesitated because I'm really not sure if I could handle myself, but it is what I want, so I nodded and said, "I'm not entirely sure... but I feel like it is the best way to help myself."

Chaeyoung was so matured that she and Jihyo were the only ones who first said, "Then I will support you and your decision, unnie. It hurts me to think that we will not be able to be with you as you help yourself, but if supporting you from a distance would help, then that's what I will do. But it is not just me. All of us will support you. Until you finally recover." What she said gave me so much comfort because it made me feel that she is here to support me on my every decision, and that's all that I would ever need.

Soon, all of them finally decided to let go of me. Tzuyu was still comforting Dahyun. It was my first time seeing Dahyun so broken. She was so jolly and she was so full of that blooming energy... yet now she's obviously so broken inside and I can tell from how she sobs so hard on Tzuyu's arms. I can't stand seeing her like that. I'm sorry, Dahyun. When I looked at Mina and Momo, they were comforting each other. We were already the best of friends ever since we were trainees and now I can't believe that I'm saying goodbye to them.

I looked at all of them one by one. They were all so broken, yet I know that they will support me. The thing that breaks our hearts most? Is that our contracts will end in a few months, and I won't be able to be with them for our final appearance as a group. I was almost there. I was so close, yet now I am so distant. I never wanted to leave, but I lost the passion, and I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't perform without crying right after because of holding back my tears.

I can't even do fan meetings without excusing myself just to go to a comfort room and tell myself to stop being such a crybaby. Fans always ask me what the problem was, some of them sent their condolences, and some gave me letters to read, and they were so heartwarming, but sadly I can't bring those with me. Until I finally reached a point where I can't do it anymore. I can't hide anymore. I need to stop forcing myself because I'd destroy myself in the process.

I know someday I'll be happy even without Y/n. But for now? I just can't seem to pick myself up from the ground. I hate Y/n for leaving me so suddenly. I hate myself for being in a coma. But I love him so much that I would give everything just to take him back. I'd give everything just to have him smiling at me. I'd give literally everything just to feel his embrace, his kiss, his love, him. Just him.

Soon, I'll be heading back to Japan. Back to Y/n's home, with his mother and my mom. Two days after this. I'd be learning about managing a business, and I'll run Y/n's company if his mom approves. I got so much to do to fill in Y/n's absence. I got so much in mind. I have so many plans as I recover. Plans that I want to do. Goals that I want to achieve. Dreams to reach. Paths to take. I'll make Y/n proud.

That's a promise.

•••••

So, yeah! I'm back! HAHAHA!

Well, anyway, I hope all of you are safe! Stay home, okay?? Don't make this author come and fetch you!