PRIYA | URBAN

XXIX. ANDRE

three days later

Chapter Twenty-Nine.

I WAS LAYING IN the hospital bed, just staring up at the ceiling. It was so depressing being here—-I'm upset that I can't remember shit about that day like if only I could remember something it would make my life a whole lot easier.

The doctor walked into the room, interrupting me from my thoughts, "How are you holding up, son?" Doctor Riley asked. "I wanted to stop by and check on you and run some information by you if that's fine. I know you want to get some rest so this will be quick."

"That's fine, is everything straight with me doc?" I asked. "When can I be able to go home?"

"We're still waiting for the test results," The doc said as I stared at her. "I know this isn't the best news but I want to make sure everything is alright before I release you. Everything is looking good so far but there is room for more test—-you're a walking miracle, I wouldn't have thought that you would even be able to wake up."

"That's wassup," I said. "It wasn't anybody but God. He really came through for me and I'm blessed to be able to see another day. Thank you for everything that you've done for me doc. I appreciate it for real."

"That was all you," The doctor said. "You're a fighter, I'm proud of you."

I smiled, nodding my head.

"I'll let you get back to resting, a nurse will back here in a few to check up on you again. Have a wonderful day," The doctor walked out of the room.

My life has changed so much, I just keep thinking about how I almost lost my life like I wouldn't have even been here for my cousin, my only family at this damn point. Life really fucked me up.

"Good-morning, baby," my mother spoke, I never thought I would see her again and for her to come back under these circumstances made me angry. She came near my beside trying to hold my hand but I pulled away. "I'm happy to see you up and aware of everything now. I prayed long and hard when I heard the news about you getting shot. I'm so glad that you're alright."

I just stared at her, she had some nerve waltzing her way back in here like she ain't leave me growing up without a mother—-I was a kid and for my own mother to leave me really fucked me up, on God.

"I know you can hear me, Dre," My mother spoke up. I just sat there, I didn't know what to say or even how to say it.

"You're right, I can hear you," I spoke up. "But I don't have anything to say to you." 

"Andre I know it's going to take you some time to forgive me---and I understand if you can't even bring yourself to forgive me because I can't forgive myself for leaving you but I'm here now and I'm sorry for everything," She spoke up. "I was messed up---really messed up and I know that's no excuse. I just couldn't mess up your life as I had already done mines. I'm sorry, baby from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry and I hope you can give me another chance to be apart of your life."

"Why come back now?" I grew frustrated. "You left me when I needed you the most. You know I blamed myself? I thought I was the reason that you left and didn't want me. Pops passed away and you still didn't get in touch with me---so no don't try coming up in here trying to justify what you did because I don't give a fuck."

I wiped the tears that fell from my eyes. The last time I ever cried in front of someone was at my pops funeral. My mother just stared at me in disbelief.

"Andre, I know you don't mean that," My mother said. "I know I wasn't there when your father passed away, it just hurt too bad for me to come back. I'm not trying to justify what I did because I know I'm wrong. I'm just hoping that we could get to know each other."

"I mean it from the bottom of my heart," I said. "I can't let you be apart of my life again. I can't even look at you the same. It's sad that something had to happen to me for you to come back for me. I don't need you."

I was hurt and I had every reason to be. The only thing I ever wanted growing up was to have my mother be apart of my life. All these birthdays that went by and I ain't even have her to celebrate with---I loved my father but it was different not having a mother around. It felt like something was always missing.

"If that's how you feel," She quickly wiped the tears that fell from her eyes. "I'll just be back later, I love you baby boy please remember that I do."

"You don't have to come back," I said. "I don't need you walking back into my life just so you could do the same shit and leave again. So please take it upon yourself and not show your face around here again."

"Andre Bullock, I know I hurt you but I'm not going to allow you to speak to me like that," She implied. "I'm still your mother and I just want to be apart of your life---how many times can I apologize for what I did. I'm sorry and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. All I ever wanted was for you to be safe and I thought me being away was doing that for you. Now I know that was the wrong idea---I never stopped loving you, I always thought about you. I just thought I was doing the right thing."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes, anything."

I just continued to blankly stare at her, It was like I was numb at this moment---numb to any pain that I should be feeling right now. I hated her for so long but now I just don't know how to feel. But I realized that life is too short to wake up with regrets.

"Why wasn't I enough for you to stay? I hated you because I would always have to wonder why I wasn't enough for my own mother to be apart of my life. Why wasn't I enough that you chose drugs over your own son? Why didn't you want me?"

I laid back in my bed, I knew I had to calm down because I didn't want anything more to happen to me. I'm just lost and it kills me. She just stared at me as tears rolled down her cheeks and onto her shirt.

"I wish I knew how to answer that question," She said. "I wish I could explain how I felt like my life wasn't worth living without the drugs. I wish I could explain how quickly addiction could take over someone's life. One day you feel like you're in control of your life and managing that addiction and then the next day you're broke, selling your soul for just one quick fix."

She stared at me, "I want you to know that you were enough...you are enough. I was young and stupid and I take full responsibility for what I put this family through. I just know what I want in my life now and drugs aren't apart of it anymore. I've been clean for a year and a few months."

"One year?"

"Yes, and I've never been so proud of myself," She said. "I'm just hoping that I could continue to take on this journey with you. I just want to get to know my son, I know we have to start slow but I don't mind that. I want you to build that trust with me...that's all I'm asking."

My greatest weakness is that I don't forgive easily. I never forget anything, I can hold something against someone for the rest of their lives and wouldn't give a fuck. Sorry is just not enough for me, sometimes you have to show me that you really fucking changed.

I keep my circles small and my walls high. I'll treat you the same way you treat me and I've learned to be my own best friend because I realized there are going to be days where no one is going to be there for me but myself.

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Thanks for reading my new story, please tell me what you think of it so far. Honest feedback would help a lot. Please excuse any typos I will be editing this story very soon.

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