My Husband is a 7th Grader

Chapter 29 - Regrets

Chapter 29 – Regrets

(Read at your own risk. Some disturbing mental and psychological thoughts ahead.)

*Rika's POV*

Matapos ang matagal kong pagkakacomatose sa ospital, akala ko ay tapos na lahat ng medications at iba pa. Hindi pa pala. It's been 6 months after I wake up but the thing is, I still need to get back to my personal doctor and to a psychologist for my further treatment.

To be honest, ayaw ko na sanang magpunta sa psychologist but Corona insisted. He said that this is for my mental health. May point naman siya don.

Hindi ko nga akalain na malalagpasan ko ang mga nangyari dahil pakiramdam ko noon, gusto ko na lang mawala. It felt like that living has no meaning to me at all. It is as if something inside me speaks that living is the same as dying so that I just need to sleep forever and escape the reality. It feels like there's no solution to your problem and that dying is the only answer. These are just some of the thoughts that engulfed me.

I lost my child, my angel. What could've hurt me more? I can only cry. I can't do anything for my baby. Hanggang ngayon, whenever I remember my child, I can't help but shed tears.

That's all I think all the time, making me feel depressed of my situation. I from postpartum depression after I lost my child. I was able to get back for I still wanted to support my husband but that's no easy task. I have suffered so much from its backlash making it hard for me to recover.

I keep on going to my doctors para sa mental health treatment. I wanted to move on and get myself back. For I am not living for myself, but for my husband and child. I may no longer have my baby, but I know that my child is guarding me from above. I have to be stronger than I am before.

Some of the things na pinapagawa nila sakin is to focus on my hobbies or things I love to do the most to keep myself occupied. Ilan doon ay ang pagluluto, paghahalaman, mga typical na gawaing bahay. Ni-recommend ng doctors ko na due to my current condition, I can only do those at home and that going out to some places to travel won't work yet. They wanted me to travel for me to get something new, fresh start but due to my physical health condition, I'm not yet allowed. It could only stress me out further. Nauunawaan ko naman na they are trying to balance out my physical health and mental health condition so it's alright with me.

Na-eenjoy ko din naman ang maging full time housewife kay Corona so it's really fine with me. Binibisita din naman ako nila Mom at Dad every week to check on me. It's as if nakaduty sila sakin during Saturday. Sinabi ko naman sa kanila na wag na nila kong masyadong isipin dahil I'm starting to recover na naman but they just really wanted to see me. Guess I've worried them so much and I'm really sorry about it. I can't blame and stop them lalo na ang tagal bago nila ko nakitang muli base sa kwento ni Corona sakin.

Bukod sa pagbisita nila Mom and Dad, Tito (Corona's dad) visits me and gives me gifts like crafts I can work on, to name a few, he sent me canvas and other painting media for making art works, a piano I can start playing on, and sewing machine and plenty of sewing materials. He's literally giving me all he can think I can be busy with. It feels na para akong bata na nag-first birthday. I'm so spoiled of my father-in-law.

I can just do all the things that could keep me busy the whole day and make my hands full of it but I still can't honestly say I am perfectly fine. To be honest, I still have doubts and regrets about being alive. How can I feel alive again? What do I have to do to fill this void that was left of my heart?

Will I be able to provide Corona the support and strength he needs? Can I really do it?

No. I shouldn't ask these questions. I want him not to feel alone in this battle. We both lost our precious child. Hindi lang ako ang nawalan. I've been selfish enough for the past months when I was bed ridden and he is there still fighting. I cannot just let him fight alone. We are one. We fight together.