THE OLD ME BACK

Chapter 28

By just looking at the ceiling, it took me too long to do it while still lying on my bed. I felt like I was not in a good mood. Even to know the time what it was already, I got so lazy to check it. I was tired already. By just lying on my bed, it comforted me somehow. It gave me a rest that I should have even if I had it already.

Trying to be enthusiastic, I tried to get up on my bed but my body was not cooperating. I felt the imaginary burdens as if I was carrying though I was just lying on. Upon waking up earlier, I knew deep inside me that I was not fine. There's something wrong that I should make it right. There's something that I had to make it clear and go straight.

Perhaps, regrets. Definitely, it was. I have regrets lately that up to this moment, it haunted me so hard. That's why even just in my mind, I want to go back from where I cherished every moment. The way how my fellow students adored me so much and how I was so loved by my special someone, I was already missing these. Because I've lost everything.

I've lost everything in just a snap. I've lost these things I worked and earned for. I've lost what I should have still. I've lost...I've lost what I never expected to be gone.

All of a sudden, there is a single tear escaped from my left eye.

"My daughter Alesha?" My mom called me from outside of my room. I got to fix and compose myself so I hurriedly wiped off the tear that left its mark on my cheek. "Won't you go to school today? It's already 9. Are you OK there?"

Her last question made me cry more. I cried while controlling the sounds of my sobs. I was weak that even in crying, I was not able to succeed not to. I realized then that it's so hard to control your sobs because you don't want somebody hear you crying.

"I knew you are still there, Alesha. I haven't seen you go downstairs. Is there something wrong? Can we talk?"

Please, mom. Don't do this to me. I could not tell everything to you I failed lately. I could not, because it really slapped me so hard. Really dumb I was. I better to remain silent and made her believe I was not already here. Or would she believe that I was still sleeping?

"All right, I'll just leave you there. Don't forget to eat your breakfast, my daughter. I have to go now to my office."

I sighed when I heard her footsteps away from the door. That's the time I released the sobs with pain. Gosh, if I would still continue crying silently, I might explode.

I hate this day. I really hate myself. I do really do.

"You can go ahead, dude. We will just talk," I heard Banjo saying to the guy he was with. They were both walking towards my direction, perhaps they would go to the cafeteria. "Yeah, leave us two."

It was already afternoon when I forced myself to go to school and that's the time I encountered them two along the corridor.

"Ok, dude." This guy started to walk ahead of him. In just a second, he stole a stare from me. But right away, he looked at the other direction until he passed me by. Then I released a sigh. If I was not mistaken, this must be Denzel. Banjo was right, he looked so immature. He couldn't handle the pain if he fell on my trap.

"Hi baby love!" He greeted me enthusiastically then burst a little laughter. We both looked at each other but I was just in a poker face. "You're too serious. Anyway, can we date later? It's my treat. You will cost nothing on your trap for me. Game?"

"I'm sorry," I uttered in a cold tone then I passed him by abruptly. But I failed to walk away because he quickly grabbed my hand. I caught him got smirked. "Please, let me go Banjo."

"Come on, I dare you to date with me. Let's continue the trap. I'm just a good person who follow what we have agreed about."

He smiled in front of me so I looked away. I don't like the way how he smiled at me. He's making me realized to give up for my trap if ever I was right of my thinking.

While looking away, that's when I started hearing murmurs around me. Someone said I was such a flirt one, others called me a loser and attention-seeker. But the hell I care, I was getting used to this.

"Did you hear them? They're killing me in words," I stated with emphasis. "So why bother me then? Why are you still eager about the trap?"

"Why mind them?" He asked. "You're a heartbreaker and your role now is to break our hearts. That's what you want, right?"

"You don't know what you are talking about," I was able to respond after a while. "Let go of my hand now, please. I have to go."

"What if I would not do so?" He rather held my hand so tight. How playful this guy was! "Come on, Alesha. Let's try to know how far you will do this thing. Are you now afraid?"

"I'm not afraid Banjo! I can break everyone's heart! I can give you pain but right now I can't because I am the one who is broke and in pain here!" I shouted with all my strength that got him shocked. "You just only know what possibly I can do right now when you do not have any idea how I was able to get myself here, if I was alright then. You don't have any idea Banjo what is deep inside me because even me can't figure out. It's so hard, I'm getting crazy."

"I'm just helping you to make the trap go smooth."

"You really dared me to continue the trap huh? You don't even ask me about my realizations because I don't want to do it anymore. I think karma is already hitting me. I regret of doing it. You just only knew I can break someone's heart but you don't know my heart is already breaking apart. Are you happy now?"

"I thought---" he got trailed off when I spoke again.

"You don't know me at all, Banjo. You don't know my whole story. You were not even in my shoe."

"I'm sorry. What you said broke my heart already."