THE OLD ME BACK

Chapter 37

He offers a bottle and a cigarette to me. With that, I suddenly gulp and heave a sigh afterwards.

Really, does this school allow liquor within the school premises?

"Won't you accept these?" He asks me seriously. The murmurs start to arise but I try to ignore it. I was used to be the content of people's murmurs back then, wasn't I?

I breathe deeply as I'm earning courage to take it.

Of all the things he would offer to me, why are these things specifically? Why does he really want me to take all these?

I stared at him and sigh.

"Fine. Give me that."

He gives me the bottle and the cigarette with an exceeding force, and so I looked at these for a while in my hands. These things I find myself struggling with, he does not really have the idea what I've gone through on this. But here, for the sake of leaving me alone, I wanted to take his challenge.

I'm about to drink now the liquor because I wanted to end up this bothersome when someone controlled my hand unexpectedly.

"Don't drink it. It won't do good for your health." He said that, so when I turned to him I realized it's Denzel, the naughty stranger. Why is he here again? Up to this place he is following me still?

"Don't you ever intrude!" This arrogant guy shouts and pushes Denzel away. But Denzel comes close again and faced on him courageously.

No way. This must be a trouble!

"You! If you would not stop her, you would really know how strong my fist is. Did you get it?!" Oh no. Denzel is already at his temper.

"How are you related to her and you're so much concerned huh?!"

"Please stop this now," I beg, since we're already the center of attraction here. I don't want this situation to get worsened in the first place, that's why I took the challenge without taking a bit long to decide.

"Why do you want to know?! Does it matter to you?! Who are you in the first place?!" Denzel asks furiously, but all of a sudden he got punched by this arrogant, so I loosened my tight of the bottle. It gets broken on the floor right away.

"I said stop!" I shout at this guy as I intervened between them. Quickly, I grabbed Denzel's polo before he might be able to punch back. I know that this guy, though a little bit shorter than the arrogant, can fight back anytime. "Let's go. I'm sorry."

I hurriedly make a way to walk out with this naughty stranger while students' eyes are following on us. This is the thing that I should avoid from--the attention that I will be getting if ever I am involved into such trouble or commotion. I was used to be in it way back when I was still schooling at St. Jude. So I bowed my head, still holding of Denzel's polo. Good thing that he doesn't try to utter even a single word. He's just so silent while he's walking with me.

"Why did you intervene us? I can fight him back if that's what he wants!" He says after a while. Perhaps, he just waits for a right timing that fewer students will be hearing him as his voice tries to be more calm.

"I should be the one who should ask that. Why did you intervene us in the first place? I didn't require you to be there whenever I'm in a trouble. You are supposed to avoid from me, to ignore me, to leave me alone."

Realizing I'm still holding of his polo near on his chest and he glimpses of it while I am expressing out my sentiments, I quickly let go of it and I stop from walking.

"Is there something I should avoid from you? And why should I ignore and leave you alone?"

Taking a deep breath, I gulp then look at him straight. "Do you want to know why? It's because you're giving me the glimpse of my past."

"And what is in your past that you seemingly want to escape of it?" He asks, the way how he asks me that manifesting his eagerness to know my very reason.

"Because everyone's past has his own mistakes and regrets! Wrong decisions that we've ever made!" I answer from my inner emotions. Gosh, I can't help myself but to express this out. "I made wrong decisions in my life that I wish I didn't decide of it on my own. There are bad things that happened in our lives that we wish not to happen again the next time around. That's why I'm escaping of my past because I'm already tired of it, and I don't want to return from the situation where I find myself struggling, where I was dying inside back then. You know what, I got this feeling of trauma and phobia of my past that I'm afraid often I might see myself like before -- from my actions, my routines, from the people around me, and from the situation where I was getting my way lost. I'm afraid, that's why I've started fixing myself."

He heaves a sigh and shakes his head a little bit. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that."

"Now that you know already, I hope you can already understand me. You have no idea I'm adjusting myself up to now, but here you are, following me still, keeping yourself around me."

"Why does it seem like it's my fault?" In a cold tone he asks.

"I lately realized that you're one of the people I've encountered from the past."

"Is it still my fault even if I didn't do wrong against you?"

"You at least give me the glimpse of my past. It's like you're the cop and I'm the suspect."

"You really wanted to escape, I can feel that. But why can't you accept of your past since it's part of the person's life?"

"It's NEVER easy, Denzel," with emphasis I say it while he's trying to understand me based on the reaction of his face. "You have no idea of what things I try to do just to teach myself to accept my past. I can still find the pain there, it's like it's just happened yesterday. And no matter how I disregard the emotions I felt back then, the situations itself indirectly slap my face of how fool and stupid I was. Maybe I can do the full acceptance already when I am already moved on and I already fixed myself. But now, I'm just putting myself in bait if ever I would accept my past so easily."

Then I walk out and run away.

Gosh, I don't want to remember back again everything I've gone through. It just makes me cry.