THE OLD ME BACK

Chapter 47

I just got home from school, with Denzel.

This guy really makes our walk not a boring one. It's first time we go together for a walk from school that I don't get mad at all.

Our twenty minute-walk from the school to the apartment is purely about sharing experiences. Random things we just talked about such as likes and dislikes of stuff, and asking each other about the encounters of being in Royale HS. Walking together while on the roadside, he suddenly mentioned his unforgettable experiences in St. Jude. I could see his reaction in his face how much he wanted to go back its time.

"Because of Boylight, I learned to be out of my comfort zone. That's the time I became a person who seems to be vocal and outgoing. It changed me the way how I see myself from being shy-type to its opposite. They were so shocked by that, most especially when we were having our rehearsal. I really found myself being comfortable with them."

I nod on him in multiple times as a gesture that I'm still listening to him. The moment he mentioned about Boylight, there's a little madness left I feel, maybe because of what Hanky did.

I also remembered mine, when the first time Hanky noticed me and we became together, the moment I was crowned as Girl Crush of the Campus, and the moment our class adviser announced my name as the top of the class. Those were some of my unforgettable memories in St. Jude that really have attachment in my heart. Those times, I was able to identify myself who could go beyond from who and what I was back then. The sweetest feeling I usually got when good things came unexpectedly, even if I exerted so much effort to have these all.

But now, it has been gone.

"There's one time we had our presentation. The floor was slippery that I got out my balance. But you know what, I stood right away and continued dancing like there's nothing happened. Imagine that," then he laughs. "My co-members were laughing so hard because they thought I got passed out when it's my part to sing then. But to their surprise, they saw me singing loud and dancing hard."

I smile at him as he enjoys much in telling his embarrassing moment.

"Alesha, are you all right?" Denzel asks so sudden. His face gets worrried because I don't talk too much until we're already in the apartment.

"Yeah," I shortly reply. "I have to go to my room first and change clothes."

When I enter now in my room, I put my bag on the bedside table. Then I jump on the bed and lay. Argh, I don't know what I'm suddenly feeling right now. It's something nostalgic that I got to take a deep breath and close my eyes.

No, I should not have to miss those. It has been already gone that I have to move on and continue what I've started over again. Never it should be put into waste! No way.

To avoid dwelling in it, I decide to use my phone for a while. The messenger pops up and many chats follow. Now I've been reading messages in my messenger for almost an hour. Most of them are telling me how much they miss me, that St. Jude is still open for me to go back.

"Alesha?" With his knocks on my door, I get up from the bed and open it. "Did I disturb you?"

"Nope, I'm just reading something," I answer.

"Oh, I see. Are you now hungry? I cooked my specialty for tonight. Can you taste it?"

"Sure!" I exclaim, and walk downstairs right away. When we're already in the kitchen, everything is ready.

"Wow! Pork steak with mushroom?"

"Yes, that's your favorite, right?"

"Yeah, but the food court in the school doesn't put mushroom on the pork steak. I must better eat right now because it has on it."

He chuckles as I start to sit down and get rice on my plate. We have our early dinner that Yves has not been home yet. Anyway, St. Jude has night classes while Royale HS is just up to afternoon class.

"I never had the idea you really are good at cooking," I comment all of a sudden while I'm chewing the pork. It's taste is very much better compared to what is being sold in the food court.

"This is also what I learned when I was already a Boylight member. I wanted to cook for them because they easily get hungry after our rehearsal."

"You really cooked every after your rehearsal?"

"There are times, yes, most especially that they have favorite food in common, and that's carbonara."

"I see. Can you cook that for our breakfast tomorrow?"

"No problem. That's what I'm planning to do but since you already have the idea, the surprise has been killed." Then we both laugh.

After the laughter that we share, we realized we're looking at each other still while both of us are chewing food. Directly, I divert my attention to the plate to avoid his stare at me.

Gosh. What's this feeling I am in right this moment?

"Wanna have a coffee?"

The silence breaks when he stands beside me while I'm on the terrace. It's been an hour after our dinner when I decided to be here on the terrace which is my unusual thing to do.

The calming night as the stars shine bright on the dark sky, I reflect to myself the way how I carry myself throughout this journey.

"Thank you," I say to him after I hold the cup. I could really smell its aroma which contrasts to my taste now.

"What's that? A liquor?" He pinpoints the bottle that I put aside.

"Yes."

"Are you still drinking that up to now? Come on, give it to me. I'll drink the rest."

"But you didn't drink liquor, right?" I ask for confirmation.

"Yes, but I can drink it just for you to avoid too much from it."

"Don't mind me, this just comforts me sometimes. I want to condition myself so that I can sleep right away when I get into my room later."

"Are you sure?"

"Trust me," with a smile I say that.

"But you didn't drink that in the first place. How could you learn that thing?"

I take a deep breath after I try to drink the coffee he gives.

"Things just change we don't know."

"Is that what you are thinking right now?" He asks which makes me heave a sigh and look back at the stars.

"I realize it's never easy to take this path," I start to open up that makes him look at me straight based on my peripheral vision. "This is what I'm still struggling with. I thought changing my style and my appearance would help me to get rid of this but it ends up like I'm stuck on it."

"Are you referring to your addiction?"

I turn my sight to him and nod.

"The way how my mind thinks and how my body reacts, I'm still dealing with it. Whenever I try something I've never done before, that's the time it becomes my addiction. And right now, there's a part in me to smoke."

"You can still be changed, Alesha. Just like what you've said a while ago, things just change we don't know. Perhaps, tomorrow or the day after it would happen that thing."

"I hope so," I utter out of my emotions. "I'm already tired of these repeated mistakes. I couldn't understand myself anymore because I'm doing the things I hate to do."

"It's not yet too late, Alesha. I'm here to help you."

"Thank you for letting me feel that I'm not really alone. It's already a big help for me. Can you blame me if I'm missing the old me after all?"