THE OLD ME BACK

Chapter 35

The moment I stepped right in front of the school gate, all eyes were already on me. Their eyes were telling me something at the same time asking for confirmation if the news spread out in the campus was true. But I tended to focus my sight ahead, wanting to pass through the gate without uttering a word for them.

Even uttering a word, I couldn't do it anymore. Perhaps, I was already tired. Tired of dealing with myself and to the people around, tired of explaining what really happened, and of understanding everything that happened to me.

While walking silently, trying to calm myself down even if there's a smooth flow of the surrounding, I could really see how they acted to be wondering about me. They didn't see me few days here after all. I got absent from our class for how many days because I locked myself down in my room to think all over again. There, I took time to reflect everything that happened. Thousand times I asked myself why it did happen and it went to blame myself in the end. Taking time where I was alone of those days while my parents ignored me whenever they see me in our house, they never had the idea that I was already assessing myself every time it sink in my mind about the foolish things I considered tragic in my life.

Things like where did I go wrong? What were those things that I should not suppose to do but I did. And what were the things that I should fix within me, and needed to get better.

I couldn't help myself but to be refreshed from the toxic people, to live for myself even just a few days without minding them. I wanted to think of myself this time. As for me, it would do good to me to be selfish even just for now -- to think of myself than the situation and even them. Whenever it accidentally sank in my mind, I diverted my attention right away to watching movies inside my room, listening to music, reading books, sketching, cleaning my room, and anything that would help me forget them.

And of those days that I was totally alone, I could tell that it was never easy.

Right now that being here in the campus heading at my room, I already adjusted myself for what may happen after this day. I wanted everything that I found myself struggling with came to an end. I was already tired, so much tired in my emotional and mental aspect, and putting this to an end would help me became better.

Even if it hurt me so much more than I imagined myself to feel.

"ARE YOU SURE, MS. ALESHA?" My adviser asked me shockingly. All of my classmates from their writing on notebooks turned their heads on us because of her loud voice. "It's already third quarter, maybe your parents were just at their anger at that time when they decided that."

"No, ma'am. Even I, myself, wanted to have this thing to happen," I insisted and she nodded. I didn't know where I took the courage to say those words even the inner me wanted to stay still.

"How far you decided on this?"

Taking a deep breath, I gave a plain smile even behind it was so much pain I carefully handle.

I was already at the moment where they would hear my side. I explained everything to our adviser while my classmates were there, maybe listening also to my sentiments. But I promised myself not to cry while telling everything inside of me. What's wrong in demanding for myself for a new environment, anyway?

"Alesha?" Someone called me behind while I was quickly walking away from our room. Gosh, my tears were about to fall but good thing I was already outside, heading at the school gate for my way out.

"Alesha, wait." The second time I hear that from someone, I realized it's his voice I should not suppose to hear at this moment. He would worsen my mood right now if ever I would turn to him. So I walked still and ignored him in any way I could.

"Hey, Alesha. Wait!"

He abruptly grabbed my hand and so I resisted from his grip right away, but he was so naughty that he let me face in front of him by forcing my arm.

"Can we talk Ale---?"

"THERE'S NOTHING WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT, OKAY?!" Right away, I shouted at him while my eyes became widened. "LET GO OF ME! I SAID LET GO OF ME! CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?!"

"But we can talk about it. I'm so sorry for what happened. I was just then carried away by my emotions."

"WHATEVER EXPLANATION YOU SAID, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE HANKY! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!" I shouted more, this time louder. The rooms nearby which classes were going on were stopped for a while and students came outside of their rooms to figure out the shouts they heard from. "I'M ALREADY TIRED! YOU KNOW, I'M TIRED ALREADY OF UNDERSTANDING YOU. I'M ALREADY TIRED OF DEALING WITH YOUR LOVE FOR ME IF IT'S STILL TRUE, IF STILL THERE IS."

"I'm sorry."

"SORRY FOR WHAT?! THAT'S JUST A SINGLE WORD THAT ANYONE CAN SAY EVEN WITHOUT A FAULT!"

"I'm sorry for hurting you."

"DO YOU THINK YOUR SORRY CAN TAKE AWAY ALL THE PAINS INSIDE OF ME?! DO YOU THINK IT CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING AND TURNED EVERYTHING LIKE BEFORE?!"

"What do you want me to do this time?"

"YOU CHOSE TO HURT ME, HANKY. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING FROM ME," with emphasis I said those words with full of my emotions I wanted him to feel too. "YOU CAN'T MAKE EVERYTHING FINE WHATEVER YOU WOULD PLAN TO DO. THE ONLY THING YOU CAN HELP ME FOR NOW IS TO LET ME GO."

Gosh, my heart is aching now. It's my fault why I remembered back all those, anyway.

While still remembering everything that happened to me in my later year in St. Jude, I am so much in pain now that I can't bear to handle. I was crying and crying on my bed. It's so late at night and the silence reigns all over this place, so I find a hard time to cry silently. No, it won't help. I really have to cry hard to let my emotions out. My cries that has much regrets, I didn't know if am right then to flashback all of my painful memories that often haunt me up until now.

I am really hurt. A kind of hurt that any moment from now, I might explode. I'm already catching my breath while my tears were still rolling on my cheeks. I am very much wasted. So much in despair. I really wanted to take away the pain inside of me that seemed to be burden but I can't because that's the way how my heart feels right now.

"Hey, are you okay there?"

Oh no, it's my boardmate outside of my room.

"Y-yeah. Sorry for disturbing you. I'm just carried away of this tragic movie," I managed to say even if my nose is already clogged due to over crying. I hope he won't catch me lying so I play on my laptop of a sad song right away while searching on the folder of the list of movies.

"Ok. Good night."

I sigh while still sobbing silently.

Seriously, can I really have a good night right now before I fall asleep?