THE OLD ME BACK

Chapter 46

"I'm sorry," that's what suddenly comes out from my mouth when I hear his side. I hold pride in me but at this point, I know it won't work because I feel guilty for what I did. "I don't know that I'm already to hard to you lately."

"You don't need to ask sorry, because I should be the one who would say that," he utters and I hear him taking a deep breath afterwards. "For insisting myself to you when I should suppose to mind my own business, I'm sorry Alesha. I just can't help myself but to let you feel that you're not alone, that there is someone you can lean on, that you should not need to be alone to fix everything in you because you can have someone who will help you."

Quickly, I bow my head to hide from him my tears that start to fall. I should hold my tears which uncontrollably move out from my eyes because I know I can handle this without shedding tears, but it just came out without my notice. It's too late, so I hurriedly wipe it through my bare hand.

"That's what I think it would help me more, to be alone. I'm already tired of their approval for me and meeting their expectations. You know what, I'm very much exposed to the public most especially when I was in St. Jude that when I saw people start to fall down their curtains for me, I start to identify them as toxic. People who bring negativity who would put you down, that's when I get tired that I don't want to be with them again. That's the reason why I want to be alone, to have more time with myself and to be distant from negativity."

"I understand," he says in a sad tone and glimpse at me again. "I know you would really have that feeling and I can't blame you for that. You have the right for yourself to decide. You know what things would be better for you."

"I appreciate how much understanding person you are," I compliment as I start to compose myself to shed tear no more.

When I direct my sight to him, I catch him smiling a bit. "I became an understanding person because of you, Alesha. That's true. I try my very best to understand you, by putting myself in your shoe. I know it's not an easy journey you are going through. I note it to myself after I transferred here that I should be an understanding and be patient."

"You transferred here because of me?" I ask. We both look at each other, his eyes are telling me how happy he is despite the sadness he is feeling right now.

"That's the biggest risk I ever did in my entire life -- to transfer here in Royale. To tell you honestly, St. Jude has been my dream school, and there I earn fame and friendship because of Boylight group who let me feel the happiest bond ever. My parents were so proud of me that I got those things in a good way, maybe I exerted so much effort and hard work because that's what I want to have. To study in my dream school, to be in a good reputation, to gain friends," then he stops saying and looks at me straight. "But because of you, I left those things."

"But why? For sure, your parents got already mad at you because of what you did."

"That's how much love I have for you that I have to take risk. Love is taking risks, after all. We may never know when we will love us back, as long as we're investing love."

"I'm sorry," I suddenly utter that makes him look at me with a question in his mind.

"I said, you don't need to ask sor---"

"I'm sorry for what I did to you lately. I never knew you have those things to go through, how much pain you feel when you left everything in St. Jude, the anger of parents to you."

"But that's what you also experience, right?"

I take a deep breath and realize what he said. "But what makes different from me is that I just saw you from the very start as a bothersome. A guy who knows but to disturb, to give stress to me, when behind of insisting yourself to me is a great reason that I just heard right now."

He laughs all of a sudden, but I know the laugh of his has a sadness in it. "No, it's ok. I really am, just for you to notice me."

I breathe out as I realize our conversation went deeper. But I still manage to respond the last thing he stated. "I already noticed you when we were still in St. Jude. You're the youngest of the group. One time, I heard you called me by my name but Hanky was the one who approached me because he wanted you to go back to the rest of the group."

"You really remember that still?"

"Of course, the Boylight group is so popular that the members of it, I had the chance to get each of them, except you."

"Do you think I'm special in that way?"

I nod on him with a smile. "I'm must really save the best for the last. But maybe there's a reason why my trap for you has not been continued. If you were already my victim before, you would not make me realize these things that enlighten me just now. So, thank you."

He smiles widely that the sadness in his eyes suddenly disappear. "No, I should be the one who would say that. You indirectly taught me to be understanding and patient which I was not that kind of person before."

I stand right away from the grasses we sit on. I realize just now that the fire in front of us that burns trash and grasses has already been little. He also does what I do, which he gets shocked when I tap his pants on the butt part because there is a soil that sticks on it.

"I'm happy for you, Denzel," I say in a glad voice.

"Well, you're so strong, Alesha. I'm proud of you, remember that."

"You are Denzel, or should I say...two of us?" Then we burst out a little laughter.

After that, we already part our ways after our confessions to each other. We're now early for the second subject this morning so I just take time to walk along the pathway to exact the time I should enter in our room. The burdens inside me somehow become lightened after this. We both agree that we will eat our lunch together later, and go home together.

During our class activity, I feel uneasy on my seat and even while answering our long test. I could not understand why I am so excited to have my lunch time and to get home. And when I realize the reason why, my lips voluntarily curves.

Why wouldn't I give this person a chance? He told everything to me about his sacrifices just to reach up to this level.