Alone

Unexpected

I couldn't see how I should ever be able to shine again after my light had once been blown out by the storm up here

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Other people are blinded by the lights, I'm blinded by the darkness inside

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You think I am not ready to pay the cost? I will pay whatever price just to be with you.

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And if I were dying I'd still stand beside you to protect your life with mine if it shall be.

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How long do I still have to laugh when I want t cry?
How long do I have to stay silent when I want to scream?
How long do I have to stay when I want to go?
How long do I have to live when I want to die?
How long?

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But all the pain in the world and all the demons inside my head won't stop me from loving you.

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I feel so betrayed by everyone, even by her, my last and only friend – I'd thought – but she wasn't here, she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most. And even she's let me down now.

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I didn't even know how much I missed them until I saw all the photographs, all the memories.

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After all I did for you, why don't you do anything for me? Don't you think you owe me that? Why won't you help me now after all the times I helped you? Why won't you help me, why won't you save me?

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Maybe I'm angry, maybe I'm sad, but things have to be said. You may say I don't understand, but I do. I know what I am saying and doing and I know It could destroy everything, maybe it will, but I don't care. I couldn't care less.

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The most terrible thing is that I have to pretend I'm happy, because I mustn't feel sad, I have got everything I ever wanted and I still could have more if I only tried to.

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I just can't find the words, because there are no words to describe this feeling.

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I cry writing about these strong arms to hold her, because they will never hold me.
About the shoulder to lean on I never seem to have.
About the sweet kisses and the love I'll never feel.
Wish I could live their lives, I would feel their pain and carry their burdens, just to once feel their love.

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I'm sitting on my window sill at night, crying, my feet in the air on the wrong side, wishing I had someone to lean on, but there's only the wall next to me. I want someone to hold, but there are only the walls. There never was anyone when I needed them. And then I stand on my window sill, asking myself if I die if I fall, wondering why I'm still afraid to jump.

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One more dream come true is also one reason left to survive.

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So viel zum Thema es kommt nichts mehr und alles ist wieder gut... Ich habe mich hier ganz schön verschätzt... Es hat sich einfach so viel angestaut in der letzten Zeit und ich musste das gerade loswerden. Ich hoffe euch geht es trotz Corona und Ausgangsbeschränkungen und was weiß ich noch alles gut.
Love you 🖤
Lucy