Loving Lennix

8. Friends without benefits

Jaxon POV

Things had finally settled down when Zander and I reached an agreement. We wouldn't make a physical move on Lennix. If she wanted to be with one of us, she would have to make the first move or show some kind of interest past flirty banter. So I've been bidding my time, but then he tells me last week that he's leaving to help her pack.

Just fucking fantastic.

He left six days ago. Six damn days he's been alone with her. I'm not stupid. I know what he's doing. He's staking his claim, yet again.

I get it dude, damn! You don't have to rub it in my face that you are the more stable choice. That you have history. That she would always pick you over me. I fucking get it. I just don't have to like it. And I don't. I fucking hate it.

I'm not even on the board then it comes to winning her heart. I tried. I tried to get past my insecurities and I couldn't do it. Zander can be as patient as he wants to be. He can put in all the leg work he thinks he needs to, but I couldn't get past it.

I've backed off the last couple of months. I left the group message she started between the three of us because I couldn't take watching him openly flirt with her while he glared at me challenging me to say something.

He's going to sweep her off her feet and I'll be here, consumed by work and distracting myself with whomever is asking.

Do you know what it's like to want someone so fucking bad that the thought of them has your dick throbbing so hard that even getting off doesn't make it go away? No matter how many women I've been with since she left I'm not satisfied. No matter what deviant activities I run through, it doesn't bring me joy. She's all I think about and everything I can't have. Zander made that clear when he asked me if I was prepared to go all in for her.

I'm not. I would fuck everything up and lose her as a friend or she would wreck me. Destroy me from the inside out.

Over the months that she's been back in California, we talked almost every day about everything until she went on a date and I lost my shit.

It was actually only a handful of dates, we had no more secrets besides how I really feel about her, but when she said she slept with someone I watched Zander's heart break just a little and I felt something snap inside me.

It wasn't being broken. It was like a puzzle piece being violently slammed into place.

I couldn't bring myself to honestly answer Lennix when she asked me what was wrong. I couldn't lie and say I was ok. I'm not ok.

How the hell do you tell someone that you like them, you crave everything about them, but you can't be with them, can't give them everything they deserve so knowing they are with someone else who can't give them what they deserve is beating it into you even more that you aren't good enough?

Shit, I'd rather her be with Zander than her be with someone else who doesn't love her like he does... doesn't need her like I do... because I do. Even if it's just as a friend, I need her in my life. I need that smile... her laugh... shit I'm in so deep and she's not even mine.

Her flight is coming in today and we are helping her move tomorrow. Tonight I've planned something simple, just pizza, beer, and a movie in our condo. Hopefully it will be just like before she left, just three friends hanging out. I even washed my sheets and cleaned my room so she has a place to sleep for the night. I'll take the couch and pray that it's not awkward for her.

Lennix is special to both of us. I don't want her to feel the tension that has been silently settled just under the surface between Zander and I. She's too nice. It would hurt her to know that we have fought about her. That we both ache to be with her.