The Wounded One

Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Wound

I want to hate him as much as I could, but I know deep in my heart that I have experienced his love. I know I have felt it. Kasi kung hindi ay hindi rin dapat ako ganito kaapektado pagdating sa kaniya. And maybe... maybe I never really hated him. Maybe I hated myself because I unknowingly fed my wrath and pain that it grew inside of me. Hindi ko lang maamin, hindi ko kaya.

At habang tumatagal lalong sumusugat. Unti-unti akong inuubos ng apoy na ako mismo ang nagbaga. The reason why I'm so worn out.

Nevertheless, I have the free will. I still have the choice. The choice to just forgive him and forget the past. The choice to move forward. But I refused it, I didn't let go of it. Why? Because maybe... maybe there's something more of it, something that's unfathomable. Something that even I, myself, could never comprehend, could never foresee. It's deep.

And still, I let myself drowned deeper.

Could you blame me? I was so hurt; my mother died, I lived alone, and I needed to learn how to survive. Na sa sobrang hirap mag-isa kinailangan kong maghilom agad sa sugat ng nakaraan. Na kinailangan kong kalimutan muna yung sarili ko. Walang oras para umiyak, walang oras para maging mahina. I denied myself, I denied my own feelings. I was too busy thinking how would I save my family, Dashiel that I concealed it with false healing.

I healed in the very wrong way.

All the while, I was thinking of how absurd my life is. How my life is not worth living anymore. I was just crying harshly that it hurt my throat.

I was just staring at my ceiling. Pagod sa lahat. Bakit ba kasi ako nangarap ng mataas? Bakit ko ba kasi pinilit ang sarili ko sa mundong hindi naman ako bagay? Dapat inalagaan ko nalang si Dashiel kasi 'yun naman ang dapat kong ginawa. Siguro kung 'yun ang ginawa ko baka hindi pa ako mag-isa ngayon, baka may kasama pa ako. Hindi ko na kasi sana pinilit mangarap nang mas mataas.

Exhausted by tears, along with my train of thought, I fell asleep.

Nagising ako sa malakas na ring ng cell phone ko. Unti-unti kong minulat ang aking mga mata at kinusot, mabigat at mahapdi pa ang mga ito. Dahil na rin siguro sa kakaiyak ko kagabi. I dragged myself out of the bed. Straight from there, I went to the windows. At nakitang madilim pa, sigurado na madaling araw pa lang.

Nilingon ko ang aking cell phone na hindi humihinto sa pagtunog. Sino naman ang tatawag sa ganitong oras?

O baka gabi na... hindi ko lang namalayan at iniwan na nila ako?

Marahan kong nilapitan ang bed side para kuhanin ang tumutunog na telepono.

Nanay Merlyn is calling...

"H-Hello po?"

Agad akong ginapangan ng kaba nang narinig ang mga hikbi niya sa kabilang linya. Bukod sa walang dahilan para tawagan niya ako sa ganitong oras, kung ano-ano na ang masasamang bagay ang pumapasok sa aking isipan. Pero isa lang ang sigurado ako, may emergency na nangyari kay Dashiel.

"Serene... si Dashiel..." Nanay Merlyn was crying.

I felt my heart was slowly breaking. Akala ko wala ng ibabasag 'to, mayroon pa pala.

"A-Ano po ang nangyari?" wika ko sa nababasag na boses.

Once more, my tears pooled the edge of my eyes. Kung totoo man na may anghel na sumasalo ng luha siguro punong-puno na ang laglagyanan niya at baka hindi niya na rin kayang buhatin. Kaya baka... baka pwede naman na huwag na ako, marami pa namang ibang tao riyan.