Give In

crushing

My emotions were all over the place all weekened. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I thought about texting Shawn, but what would I say? I had no words for him. I also didn't know if he was expecting me to say something.

I was going crazy thinking of all the "what if's" in my head. I had just gotten out of a long relationship. I was not ready to jump on another one. That can't be good. But I also couldn't stop thinking about him. I kept playing in my mind the feeling of his hands on me, his lips against mine. I was craving more of that, but at the same time I was terrified of it.

Nicole and Leah had told me to enjoy the moment, to let go and see what happens, but my controling self didn't feel all on board with that approach. I didn't have any other plan though, so against my best judgement, I followed their advice.

On Monday, I took a deep breathe before walking towards my desk, because Shawn was already at his. I felt a squezeed in my stomach, but I did my best to try to hide the effect he suddenly had on me.

"Hi", he said happily when he saw me and stood up to go to the break room. He didn't even give me time to reply.

Time after we had a meeting with the rest of the staff and like if he was avoiding me, he sat on the other corner of the room, far away from me. When the meeting ended, it was already our lunch break and he left quickly but I couldn't see where he went. I had lunch with other friends from the office and I didn't see him until the break was over.

"Where were you?", I asked him.

"I had some errands to run".

I eyed him carefully. He acted as cheerful as that time after we went dancing with his friends and then hooked up with a random girl who left a hickey on his neck. The unsettling feeling that took over me because of that memory wasn't funny.

He did not...? After he told me...? That can't be the case, right? Well, he just told me he liked me, he didn't say he was planning on marrying me. But still, who does that? Oh my God, he was just a player. He was playing me while seeing other women. He let me all confused and then moved on right away. I felt so stupid for worrying too much about it.

I went to the bathroom and locked myself inside one of the cubicles to calm myself. I should've known better than to just assume things.

"Is there something wrong?", he asked when I sat back on my chair and sighted.

"No", I told him. "Everything's perfect".

For the rest of the day, I just focused on work and tried to stop paying attention to the guy beside me. I guess he liking me and wanting me didn't have the same implications for both of us, so I should just let it go.

How dumb I was going over and over again thinking about what he had said and what I was going to do about it. He clearly just liked the chase, the attention, but wasn't thinking further than that.

"Camila", he said when I was getting ready to leave. I did as if I hadn't heard him and moved through the hall to the elevator. "Camila", he repeated behind me.

"What?", I snapped back.

"What's going on with you? Are you mad?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"You have barely spoken to me today, or even looked at me..."

"I could say the same about you".

"It's not the same"

"How's not the same?" I asked, noticing how our coworkers were walking right beside us on their way out, eyeing us suspiciously.

"Come here", Shawn said grabbing me by the elbow and guiding me to an empty room. "What's wrong with you?", he asked when we were alone.