Give In

giving in

He joined our lips together as tears started to roll down my face. Then he kissed me again when I was unable to say a single word because my throat was tight with emotions. I held his wrists while he cupped my face. I felt his stare on me but my eyes were closely shut.

I was such a mess that I couldn't begin to explain myself.

"Tell me what are you afraid of", he whispered.

"I don't know", I said shacking my head.

"What do you know?"

"It's too soon". I could feel my heartbeat rumbling on my ears.

"Why does that matter?"

"Because... Because I just ended my other relationship", I let out.

"And? You weren't in love with him for a while", he said.

"But it's... too soon", I said again as if those words were going to have more sense now.

"Stop saying that", he complained. "I like you, you like me. We want each other. Nothing else matters".

"Shawn..." I pleaded feeling like I was fighting not only him but myself.

He let go of me and took a step back. Hurt was visible in his eyes when I opened mine and it broke my heart. I wanted to make this right for him, for me, for us. I was trying but I still couldn't make sense of my thoughts.

"Camila, I can't do this. I can't be here convincing you that we should be together. I don't want to. You either want to be with me or you don't, but I shouldn't be trying to convince you", he said tired. I knew he was right and my heart ached even more.

"But what will people think, Shawn?", I said. "I was living with another guy just two months ago and now I'm with you?"

"Is that so?", he asked surprised and a bit disappointed. "You really care more about what other people think than our own happiness, your happiness?"

No.

Yes.

Fuck.

I looked down and he came to wrap his arms around me again.

"I don't care what people think, Camila. And you shouldn't either. Your own happiness should be your first concern and priority. I understand if you don't want to be with me because you don't want me or because you don't feel comfortable with me, but don't let other people take that decision for you", he said against my ear.

I let him hold me while his words resonated in my head. Yes, I was being a coward and hiding myself behind poor excuses. I did care about what other people said and I knew that that was wrong and needed to work on it, but I was also giving it too much attention to avoid addressing my feelings.

"What is it gonna be?", he asked me once more, giving me the chance to make up my mind.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned on him, trying to find some stability in the warmth of his body.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess", I sobbed in his chest.

"I don't care if you're a mess", he said touching my hair.

I tried to pull myself together and take look deep down inside of me to find the roots of everything I was feeling. There was a reason why I was afraid and I needed to verbalize it if I wanted to move forward, wherever that would take me.

"I'm scare..." I began to say slowly under my breath. "I'm scare I don't know how to be alone anymore... I lost myself this last year and just found myself again. I'm scare that could happen again".

He hugged me even tighter and kissed the top of my head. Then he took my hand and we walked to sit on his couch. I rested my head on his chest again while he held me close.

"I can't take those insecurities away from you, I can only remind you to always be yourself, because I don't want to be with anyone but you, all of you", he said sweetly.

I looked at him with tears in my eyes, this whole situation was exhausting, mentally, emotionally and physically.

"I know this isn't your fault and I'm making it difficult for you, but can you promise to give me my space when I need it?", I asked.

"You can do whatever you want with your space, I won't interfere", he promised.

"Will you still be cocky, annoying, sassy, and overall you're annoying self and nothing else will change between us?"

"I want nothing more, but only if you continue being bossy, confident, funny and loud", he replied.

"What do you mean by loud?", I asked feeling how the rush of emotions inside of me were slowly calming down.

"When you laugh and everyone can hear you, or when you sing at the top of your lungs while you're dancing. Also when you moan and don't give a fuck if the neighbors can hear". I blushed because I had always known that was a noticeable trait of my personality, but I didn't know it was something Shawn liked about me. Some people found it annoying.

It was crazy how a tiny remark proved me that I was in the right hands. All the things I had to work on by myself were still going to be there whether I took a chance to be with Shawn or not, and this guy had proved me again and again that he had more good than bad to add to my life.

I could try to deny it all I wanted, but it was going to be useless anyway. I preferred to have someone by my side, supporting me, taking care of me and cheering for me than to face my demons alone and later regret not having someone to rely on.

"Can I stay with you tonight?", I said against his chest.

"Of course you can", he replied right away.

He gave a tshirt to sleep on because I hadn't brought anything with me and took a new toothbrush out of a cabinet for me. When we were ready, we laid down on his bed and he covered us with the blankets while spooning me with his large warm body.

"What does this mean, Camila?", he whispered over my shoulder.

I held his hand that was resting over my stomach and squeezed it.

"It means I want it all, no more playing around. I like you", I told him.

"I like you too" he said and I felt his smile over my skin.

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A/n:  Aren't they cute? 🥺