Give In

healing

I woke up with birds singing outside my window. I decided that was a good sign. Last night I slept like I had passed out, I was so tired I didn't even dream but I got the rest I needed. I got out of bed and joined my family for breakfast, like I did every day when I lived with them.

"Did you have a good sleep?", my mom asked me when I sat at the table.

"Yeah...", I said. I knew my mom very well to know that she had noticed something wasn't right but didn't want to be intrusive. "I did".

"Good", she said with a smile. "I have to buy some last groceries, do you want to come with me and Sofi?"

"Ok, sounds good. Oh, and I forgot my charger at home. Can I use yours, Sofi?", I asked my sister.

"Yes, sure. I'll bring it to you", she said.

I took a sip from my cup of coffee and tried to ignore how I mentioned home... I didn't mean to say that about Shawn's apartment, I was talking about San Francisco, but that made echo in my mind.

I changed clothes in my room and left my phone charging while I went out my mom and Sofi. I had missed a little the Miami weather, the warm breeze and nice sun in my skin. For some people it was a bit weird having sort of high temperature in this season, but I had grown used to it. It was nice to wear a sundress and sandals after being stuck with jackets and boots.

"How's work?", my mom asked when we were in our way back to the house.

"Great", I said. "I had some very important projects that went well this year".

"Oh, congrats".

My mom looked at me through the rear-view mirror. I guessed she was trying to find out what was wrong. Work was out of her list now.

Once we got back, I rushed to my room to check my phone. I had a weird feeling in my stomach and I assumed it had something to do with what I was going to find there. I was both afraid and anxious about it. My hands were shaking while the phone started. I didn't know what I was more worried about, if Shawn had said something since I left or if he hadn't said anything at all.

My phone started buzzing in my hand once it was on and I had turned off the airplane mode. I had a bunch of missed calls and a few unread messages from him. My heart was beating fast and I opened the messages immediately, because I needed to know what he had to say about it.

I started to cry while I read through them. He had finally realized how shitty he had been to me and that just made me angrier. I was in the right when I got mad, even when a tiny part of me thought I was overreacting, and to see that he was aware of that just made it all so much real. I deserved better, I deserved an apology and I deserved to be thanked for all the shit I had to put up with. I cried with a mix of anger and frustration combined with relief. It was a weird feeling.

I was hurt, but I was also in peace. For the first time in a while, I didn't have to take care of anyone but myself and I wanted to keep it that way, at least for a bit longer. It was Christmas' Eve and I just wanted to focus on my family today. So, no. I didn't want to hear his apology or whatever he wanted to say just yet. He could wait one more day.

[C: I'll listen, but not today. Say Merry Christmas to your family]

I put my phone down without waiting for a reply and cooled down to go downstairs and help my family with dinner preparations.

"Will you tell me what's wrong?", my mom finally asked me when we were alone in the kitchen after putting the turkey in the oven.

"It's just that... I'm..."