VLive July 2019
Beaver Live
Fan: What happened after Jonghyun's passing?
Sammy: *sigh* I knew this would come up eventually. If you watched my documentary series that had 38 episodes in the two seasons then you'll know Jonghyun was apart of it. It was all put out before he passed away. He said to me whenever I asked him if he would want to be on the docu series that, "Sammy, this is your story to tell, your legacy. I'm just a piece in that legacy. You're the King I'm the pawn." It took me a while before I understood what he said. It pissed me off whenever I realized but at that point it was too late for me to help him. I felt guilty, really guilty. I blamed myself when I shouldn't have. *sighs* I don't feel like I'm forcing myself to tell you guys. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I can be open with you guys. As you know or what was mentioned by JYP that I attempted suicide... but what wasn't mentioned was that Taemin-Hyung and Jimin-Hyung found me. They wanted to visit me to see if I was ok after Jonghyun-Hyung's death. I was far from it. Even till this day I have thoughts of that day and have mild thoughts of what ifs. I have Stray Kids and everyone in my life including you all.
Fan: It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to tell us everything, because at the end of the day we are fans.
Sammy: You guys are more than fans to me though. You're my family. A family of Stray Kids and maybe your older than all of us but you're still apart of our family. Anyway... after I felt completely lifeless as if everything went to waste and I was forced to live a pitiful life without him. I'm sorry if I'm triggering some of you right now I just... *small whimpers* I didn't realize just how much he meant to me until he was gone and I couldn't even tell him. His funeral was the most painful thing I've ever been to. I think for months after his funeral I had nightmares of SHINee carrying his casket. When his album came out I cried a lot but I was happy? It was strange to be happy when all I felt was a void consuming my heart and lungs and choking me. Last year for the anniversary? I suppose that's what it's called I stayed inside and read while listening to his songs. Taemin-Hyung called me like fifteen times. Kibum-Hyung and Jinki-Hyung called me each twelve times and Minho-Hyung spammed me with messages. I had later turned my phone off because I didn't want to deal with any of the calls. Ya know even if you silence your phone it will still allow phone calls which cuts off the music which annoyed me. Anyways by that time I was better? Well better in the sense that I gained some of my happiness and confidence.
Fan: How are you now?
Sammy: Longing. My heart still aches but I can live through each day without wanting to drown my sorrows. *lowers head* I miss him dearly. More than anything in my life. More than I miss having a normal life. Now I look up to stars and saying he's one of those stars shining down on Earth. It's a myth that people turn into stars after death but, I believe it. We're all made up of the cosmos. So why wouldn't we turn into stars after death? Yes I know science. Don't bring that into this because I understand where all that fancy smancy stuff comes from. We're all connected though. *small smile*
Fan: How's your mental health now?
Sammy: Ah, steady? Well I've been thinking a lot. Chan says that I'll explode my head from thinking too much. *chuckles* Maybe he's right. But it's calmed me. I'm just tired mentally and physically. Tired of trying to force myself to be ok when I'm not. Tired of faking a smile and tired of getting pity. I don't want pity. I just want people to stand by me. *a few stray tears get shed* Ya know? We all want someone to be beside us through thick and thin and... I finally noticed that it was Chan... Chan would always be there. He'd hurt with me, for me, and I- I'm sorry Chris... you've been such a wonderful friend and I never thanked you for any of it. I've been so self absorbed that I didn't realize. I guess taking a step back to think helped me realize you stood by me. It was always you... *mumbles* Always you...
Fan: Sammy?
Sammy: *realization* I'm sorry guys. I said that out loud didn't I? Oh I'm stupid! *blushing*
Fan: Okay? Said what?
Sammy: Wait I didn't say it? Oh my gosh! I still have a filter! Brain wow thanks.
Fan: Are you ok?
Sammy: Totally. I need to go. I need to write... something.. *bright smile* Uhh.. bye!!
~~~
More on his flusteredness later. I'm not really sure if I should have Sammy confess to Chan or not. I'm really really concerned about that because while I feel like it would make sense, it's a little awkward. Chan's a real person and shipping him with someone not real??? I dunno... maybe I'll make it happen. I mean I have been teasing it since the very beginning so maybe I will. Give me your thoughts guys. I'm curious. Oh and yes I skipped many episodes of Beaver Live's but still. I wanted to write this because I was emo and listening to Jonghyun's Poet | Artist. ~ KiKi
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Stray Kids 9th Member ~ Shine Pt.1
FanfictionPark Samuel or Park Seungjae is the ninth member of the famous JYP male group Stray Kids. Despite many hardships he and his group were meant to shine. ~~~ Start: January 27, 2020 Finished: November 5, 2020 Achievements: 5k - July 31st, 2020 10k - No...
