The Grace in the Fall

The Clinic

About two weeks later in the afternoon a car pulled into the McKlaren's driveway. Mrs. McKlaren had been on the phone the entire afternoon with my mom and Mr McKlaren. I guess she was keeping them updated on what was going on with me but I really wish she wouldn't. I'm grateful for them wanting to know how I was doing but it felt weird when Mrs. McKlaren would poke her head into Noah's room to see if I had moved from my position of sitting with my arms wrapped around my legs and my chin on my knees. It felt like I was sitting in a cage at the San Francisco Zoo Maeve used to take Noah and I to.

When you could hear the car pulling into the driveway I looked up, hoping it was my mom. After the movie was over I sat in silence. For the next few weeks, in fact, I was very silent. Noah's mom kept me home from school for the next three days while she went over what was happening with my mom. After that I went to school and there wasn't much to report there. I was happy to say they didn't know. Yet. During the weekends I was sitting on the blowup mattress just being silent. Noah talked for the both of us. He kept blabbing on and on about one thing or another, I guess he was trying to keep my mind off of what happened, but it wasn't working. I had drowned him out with my self pity and loathing.

After Noah realized that he wasn't getting anywhere with talking to me he started bringing me things. He brought me my phone, a sandwich, a blanket, water, a diet coke, crackers, and yogurt. All these things were sitting at my feet, barely acknowledged. I instead focused my attention on Noah's closet door. When Noah and I were younger, like 6 to 8 maybe, we would spend hours sitting in that closet playing with whatever would occupy our minds. Noah had told me that no adults could find us there.

We had a pretty great set up in there. Noah had taken all the blankets in his parents' bedroom and spread them out on the floor. Since he and I hadn't grown out of our fear of the dark yet he stringed a bunch of flashlights from the bar in the closet. We had probably spent hours sitting in that closet. I wonder if we knew that when we stepped into the closet at 8 years old one day that it would be our last. I wonder what Noah was thinking when he moved all the blankets out of the closet.

"Hey, Carter you've got a visitor." Noah knocked and opened the door.

I nodded and Noah shut the door. I winced at the sound and looked down at the bounty of food at my feet. Maeve had been telling me to eat food all day long. Maybe I should. I had been feeling empty and deprived all day. I picked up the sandwich sitting at my feet and stared at it. It was a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. It was made just how Noah knew I liked them. He was a good person like that. I should probably be more open to him but I feel like I need to keep to myself right now.

The door swung open and I instinctively flinched and looked up.

"Noah!" My mom burst into the room.

I saw her and she looked ten years older than she was. Her forehead was creased with worry. Her mascara was all down her face. Her usually combed and neat hair was tangled and matted. She stood in front of me quivering. I shifted a little on the air mattress. My mom looked a little unhinged. She dropped to her knees and crawled closer to me.

She sat so close to me I could see the pain in her eyes. Her entire presence made me want to break down. From the looks of it, my mom had already broken down at least once or twice. She reached closer and it took all I had not to flinch away from her touch.

She cupped my cheek and sighed.

"I thought I would never have to see this again hon," She whispered, I don't know for certain who she was talking to.

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

My mom kept staring into my eyes for a few seconds. It seemed forever when she frowned and looked away. She seemed to ignore my question and moved all the plates of food surrounding me. She took a seat next to me and wrapped her arms around me.