Hugs & Blows

thoughts of thigh top trickery.

Odette is still in her yellow sundress, she's topped it with a thick black cardigan. She isn't sure what it is, but she thinks the beach is far better in the fall than in june or july. Something about the ultra cool ocean breeze reminds her of the sweater weather back in her hometown. The smell is different though, salty here. In kentucky.during the fall it smells of rain, and like cold.

On the best days it smells like rain and freshly trimmed grass, she could never find words to describe that smell, or the feeling of the warm sun on her cool skin. The sensations of she grew up to in her favorite season were an indescribable juxtaposition.

Odette thinks she is having a crisis of a self, a loss of identity. She isn't sure who she is, she remembers who she was before. She was a girl who was surely in love with her own slow and steady self destruction. But now she doesn't know she's trying to be better because she knows she owes Betsy her life and to honor that she needs to live her life instead of waiting to die.

She hasn't purged or cut, starved, or hurt herself in any other way for quite some time. She misses it though. She can't help but to feel as though carving deep into her flesh would help, make the thoughts stop. She's trying to stay strong though, doesn't want to hurt everyone she loves by hurting herself.

She laughs wryly at herself. She isn't that fucking noble. She knows that if there was a way she could dig a blade over her skin without Ethan knowing she'd do it right now. She closes her eyes and inhales deeply in an attempt to clear her mind but all she can focus on is the way the hem of her dress caresses her thighs in the breeze. She wishes her dress was made of sharp objects, hurting her with every breath, stabbing her in ever movement.

She thinks about cutting her tops of her thighs. She knows it's a risk because Ethan will probably see her naked. She decides that if tonight she pulls her dress down below her breasts, and flings off her panties she could probably ride him while in it. She knows she's capable of moving in such a way that her legs remain hidden.

She seriously considers this.